


A Second Chance

by swoopswoop



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Memory Loss, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-02 23:11:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11519469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swoopswoop/pseuds/swoopswoop
Summary: Rey stared at the unconscious person on the next bed along. They'd told her he wouldn't remember who he was. That Kylo Ren was no more.She wondered if it wouldn't have been kinder to just let him die.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is based entirely as a follow on/AU after TFA. I've not even seen the trailer for the next one so please bear that in mind!

_Beep_. _Beep_.

The noise, the incessant noise, was infuriating.

He tried to move, tried to turn his head towards the noise but agony sprung forth down his entire left side. A grunt escaped him and he opened his eyes. The room was bright white. His vision was swimming. Footsteps overtook the beeping as they drew closer. He tried to make out the person but everything was fading.

No words left his mouth when he tried to speak. The person turned and left.

He felt his consciousness dip and turned his head the other way. There was no pain that time. The last thing he saw was a set of brown eyes staring back at him.

\------

The doctor was cold and unresponsive. No one who came answered his questions.

No one spoke to him.

He felt nerves spike whenever anyone came close. He never stayed conscious for long.

Once he was awake long enough to realise that he was strapped down. The same girl from before with brown eyes was awake that time.

“Stop struggling,” she murmured and her voice was so gentle, delicate and familiar.

“Why am I tied down?”

The girl turned onto her back and stared at the ceiling. “It’s for your own good.”

\----

He had no idea how much time passed before he was allowed to sit up. The girl was gone and only one doctor remained. An unresponsive Twi’lek who checked his vitals.

The door opened and he turned immediately to it. Relief flooded him at the sight.

“Uncle,” he greeted, managing a smile.

“Ben,” Luke returned but something was different. He was hesitant, distant even as he closed the gap between them. His eyes had aged more so than the wrinkles around his eyes. “How do you feel?”

Ben straightened and bent his left arm and circled his left leg. “Better. It doesn’t hurt to move anymore. What happened? No one will answer my questions.”

Luke turned to the Twi’lek and nodded, the doctor retreating and leaving the two of them alone. Unease entered as he left. “Tell me, what do you remember?”

He tried to think back. To a time before this room. All he could remember was searing pain and emptiness. Confusion swept through him. “I don’t know.”

“What is the last thing you remember before waking here?”

“I –“ he went to speak and then had to stop when he tried to think back and found nothingness. He stretched his mind searching for anything but there was a block. A gap. “The academy,” he finally settled on. The last thing he was confident in. “Playing pazaak with Sharia.”

Luke frowned but his eyes didn’t match. “That was almost ten years ago.”

“Ten years?” he stood and began to pace, Luke made no move to stop him. “How could I have lost ten years of my life?”

Luke placed his hands upon his elbows and considered his nephew, waiting until he calmed enough to stop pacing to speak again. “There was an explosion. It very nearly killed you. If not for the intervention of another, you would be dead.”

He couldn’t remember but he had a feeling. “The girl with brown eyes.”

Luke’s brow raised. “You remember?”

“No,” he shook his head frustrated, clenching his hands together. “I simply feel it.”

Was it relief in the old Jedi’s eyes as he nodded to himself. “Yes, she saved you. That was two months ago.”

“Can I speak to her?”

“Later,” Luke dismissed with a wave of his hand and gestured for him to sit. It agitated him. He’d been doing nothing for _two months_ already. “We have much to discuss.”

“Yes,” he drawled. “Apparently I have a decade of my life to regain.”

“There is a chance, however small, that they may return naturally with meditation.”

Ben did his best to inhale deeply as he had been taught. To not jump to conclusions or be quick to react as he was always critiqued for. “If you wish for me to simply meditate until they do –“

“Not at all,” Luke easily dismissed. “There will be plenty for you to do. I will help you in whatever way I can, Ben. That’s a promise.”

Inclining his head, he stood and glanced around the room. He had no recollection of this place. “Where are we?”

“A planet named Ahch-To. Come, let me show you to your quarters.”


	2. Chapter 2

 

Rey watched Kylo depart alongside Luke. She had never seen the man so animated and open then when he spoke with Luke. She kept her distance as they left the main temple and travelled to the sleeping quarters the next building over. Rey didn’t like this.

She didn’t like any of this so she waited.

She tried to meditate but gave up when she couldn’t settle her mind instead focusing on moving through the forms Luke had taught her before simply sitting and waiting when she tired. Her injuries had been severe and despite being cleared she still felt the twinge in her leg from where the shrapnel had cut her and her chest. Hours passed before he returned. She felt him approach but kept her eyes closed. He sighed by way of greeting.

“You are troubled.”

“I don’t like this.”

“His memories are gone, locked away. He has no recollection of that life. It is my hope –“

“I know what you want from this,” Rey interrupted, standing and crossing her arms. She didn’t mean to be rude but she still felt agitated about all of this. “I just don’t agree with it. Hiding who he is from him won’t work forever. And what if he remembers? Do you think he will thank us?”

Luke considered her for a long time before speaking and when he did it felt condescending and accusatory. “It was you who saved his life. The damage from the blast was real enough. Given the options, it was decided that this was the best available.”

“And what about when someone recognises him?”

“Before Starkiller, would you know him without the mask?”

She knew the point and hated conceding it. There were few enough people who knew Kylo Ren’s true face. Out here on their secluded island there was none who would tell him the truth. She just didn’t like the lie. It felt wrong. They had stolen his identity – regardless of what that identity was. She knew that if the general members of the Resistance knew there would be outrage. They would see him stand trial for his crimes not let him hide away on a hidden world.

“He’s your nephew, how can you stand it?”

“I stand it because he _is_ my nephew. He has no memories of Kylo Ren. As far as he is concerned he is still Ben Solo.”

“That doesn’t change what he did.”

“Doesn’t it?” Luke turned his gaze to the sky, spending a few minutes watching as the clouds moved.

Rey, realising she wasn’t going to get a solid answer, let out a deep exhale.

“Treat him as you would a stranger, Rey.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“You have to.”

Without him saying, she knew it was the end of their discussion on it. It hardly mattered anyway. What had been done was done and she was hardly going to go and inform him of the ruthless serial killer side of him. Not that that stopped her from feeling apprehension whenever she walked around a corner.

The way the decision had come about – when she was still recovering and unable to contribute – annoyed her greatly. Those around her, particularly Luke, had at least had a few weeks to get used to the idea. Rey had simply woken one day and been told the next Luke was regaining his former apprentice. She had no one to blame but herself, she reminded herself as she headed towards the small base the Resistance had set up on the planet.

They hadn’t initially been brought to Ahch-To. That only happened after they’d been stabilised and the decision had been made. Those that were still on the planet were some of those with highest-ranking in the Republic. Some to monitor, some to ensure Luke and her wouldn’t be overwhelmed if everything came back to him in the dead of night.

The precautions were hardly reassuring. 

It had been a year of fighting. Random skirmishes which usually ended up with one or both of them fleeing away. She supposed it was their own arrogance that had meant that no one went running that last time. How was she supposed to simply forget all of that? Act as if he hadn’t done what he had?

She didn’t want to be there. It was one thing to know he was there, another entirely to have to converse with him like they hadn’t tried to kill each other multiple times. She had protested this with both Luke and Leia and been overruled. They couldn’t stop her if she truly wished to go but Leia just had this way of making it seem the best possible situation until Rey was on her own again.

There was a shuttle that was going to carry the last of the medical staff back to the resistance base and a few other people who had wanted to stick around. 

“Finn,” she called as soon as she saw him. He lowered the crate he’d been carrying immediately and came over to her, wrapping her in an embrace.

“Good to see you on your feet again,” he told her as he pulled back with a smile.

“And I’m glad to be out of the medbay.”

“Counting tiles only occupies you for so long, I know.” He smiled but it slowly slipped from his face. “This is crazy.”

She scrubbed her hands over her face and nodded, glancing around to make sure he wasn’t around before moving closer to the ramp of the Falcon. “I know.”

“Have you spoken to him yet?”

“No,” she shook her head. “I saw him yesterday with Luke.”

“I still think it’s a bad idea leaving you here. What if you trigger his memories?”

She shrugged. Honestly, the decision was set. She could and had protested but the last time she had spoken with Leia she had given her word that she would at least try. “Luke doesn’t think it will.”

“Cause he’s never been wrong before,” Finn sighed and turned back to the ship. Chewie was on board. Had insisted on transporting Kylo but had never specifically gone to see him even when he was unconscious. Rey couldn’t begin to understand what Luke, Leia and Chewie were going through in all of this. “Just be careful, Rey. I’d say remember to lock your doors at night but if he goes full Ren on you, I don’t think it’ll help.”

“Way to make it sound creepier.” 

“You know where I am if you want out.”

“I’ll see you in a few weeks.”

She hugged him once more and helped stock up the Falcon before watching it go. There were still plenty of people on the planet but Rey felt a lot more alone as she watched the ship disappear into the sky.

\-----


	3. Chapter 3

 

Luke had told her to be prepared for it. Rey still wasn’t sure what that meant.

He had given her a few days warning that Kylo would be joining their training session that morning but that wasn’t enough to stop her shoulders from rising defensively when he entered the room, to stop herself following his movements with her eyes as he went to speak to Luke. The wave of anger and pain that jolted inside of her at the memories seeing him brought forwards.

It didn’t appear to bother Luke physically, maintaining his usual outward composure but Rey was watching closely enough to measure the subtle differences. Rey was used to Luke’s mannerisms being somewhat gruff - he carried the pain of what had happened with him every day – but not unkind. He was more curt, defensive with his tone as he called out, “Ben.”

The ‘rules’ had been laid out for her. A long list of things she could or couldn’t reference. Some, like not calling him Kylo, were obvious but she still felt weight on her shoulders as she considered him. Luke had taken to calling him Ben instantly but she had only ever known him as Kylo. The scar down his face a stark reminder that it was still the man she had fought tooth and nail against.

“Uncle,” Kylo returned, inclining his head slightly. He glanced to her and she clenched her jaw, turning her body away.

She felt Luke’s disapproval as he forced their meeting, “Rey come here please.”

She did, keeping to Luke’s right, a few feet distance between Kylo.

“Thank you for joining us. This is my apprentice, Rey. She is the one who saved your life.”

She held her head up high when the option to pretend he didn’t exist was taken from her. She wouldn’t cower to him. When their eyes met, she expected the same as before; anger and pain intertwined into a cold stare. Instead, she saw openness she struggled to process. The heavy weight on his shoulders, the terse line of his lips and clenched jaw were gone. Replaced by a friendly expression even as his lips quirked up, “Thank you for that.”

Despite what she knew, how she should behave, she couldn’t help herself closing off, wrapping her arms tightly around her chest and narrowing her gaze at him. If he was taken aback by her reaction, he did a good job of hiding it. “You’re welcome.”

“Ben will assist with your training.”

“I already have you for that.”

“It will benefit you to be around other force users,” Luke glowered slightly at her but gestured subtly with his head her dismissal. She turned away from them and found her own space. Ignoring them even if she couldn’t block out their words.

“Well,” Kylo drawled, voice low but just loud enough that she knew she was meant to hear. “She seems delightful.”

“The two of you have not always gotten along in the past,” Luke responded cryptically as Rey snorted to herself. “Come, let us go through forms.”

\------

The focus on the island was training. He quickly fell into the pattern of it. He spent the mornings meditating as per Luke’s instruction. Sometimes Luke would sit with him, guide him through basic calming techniques, others he simply gave him free time. The afternoons saw his training sessions with Luke and Rey. After a few days it should have become monotonous and boring but he found a way to keep himself entertained.

 

Ben watched more than he worked. He noted the differences in his uncle; the severity, the detachedness, the unrelenting sense of something close to bitterness. They spent a lot of time talking in the evenings, often forming his only real interactions, and yet he knew something had shifted between them. His questions went unanswered to Luke’s cryptic replies and although he never doubted that his uncle still cared for him, he knew that something was being hidden.

Luke claimed that it would help him more to rediscover the truth himself than to be told. Ben wasn’t convinced.

Then there was Rey. Rey who exuded her strength with the Force merely by breathing and yet still struggled with some of the basic movements that she should have mastered years ago. She avoided him, leaving every session as soon as she was able, and isolated herself within the facility. He felt something of himself within her but it was different. Her isolation was self-imposed after all.

He knew that she was the answer to some of his questions. She saved his life and yet showed zero inclination towards befriending him. He wondered often when he watched her why she had been the one saving him. She was so inexperienced but he couldn’t doubt her potential.

Luke’s choice of activities reaffirmed in his mind that she was new. An older apprentice, certainly not his first. That he had already mastered the forms and tasks gave him the opportunity to watch, stay out of the way. Occasionally, he would catch Rey’s eye and she would quickly turn away, clench her jaw and inexplicably try harder. He wondered if she realised that she was doing it.

That day was no different. Luke had introduced a new set of movements before his arrival and he had taken part as directed. Luke directed him to mirror her actions and Ben watched Rey’s disapproval as she held his gaze. She offered no quarter, demanded no break when sweat lined her face and her chest heaved with every action.

Ben grew tired of waiting for Rey to admit defeat, lifting the wooden stave he had been holding out to the side when they had finished the set, turning his gaze to Luke. “Rey has clearly learnt this set well enough. We should break before moving on tomorrow.”

Luke hummed his agreement from where he was sat watching them a few feet away.

He expected to see some sort of relief on her face as her chest heaved and yet her harsh stare simply became a glower as she turned and stormed away, dropping the stave in the box as she left. Ben watched her go, wondering what he had done as he deposited his and turned back to Luke.

 “Uncle,” he began but the old Jedi merely sighed.

“If you seek answers about Rey, perhaps I am not the best person to ask.”

He pursed his lips. “I didn’t even say anything.”

“You don’t have to,” Luke offered standing, eyes contemplative. “Rey will need time to come to terms with all of this.”

“And what is ‘all this’?” Ben asked feeling his frustration rise and stopping to take a deep breath. “I feel like this would be easier if I knew what I’d done to offend her.”

“I am not the one who has your answers, Ben.”

He considered the old man. He felt more like a hermit now with his thick beard and heavy robes. “You get more cryptic with every year.” 

Luke’s expression stilted for only a moment before he rolled his eyes. “And you get more stubborn.”

“A family trait.”

Unexpectedly, Luke’s lip pulled up. “Go get something to eat. I have a list of tasks that need seeing to when you’re done.”

Ben rolled his shoulders. “If you get me to climb trees and collect certain leaves only to tell me it was a lesson in patience again –“

“I reserve that for padawans. You stopped being my padawan long ago.” Luke considered him. “Although –“

Ben lifted his hands. “I’m going.”

He walked towards his quarters, not another person in sight. The facility had a small crew who never showed any inclination to speak to him. It left him to wonder about the other Jedi but Luke refused to speak on them. Ben worked on the assumption if it were truly important he would have been told.

Thoughts were heavy on his mind as he headed towards his room. Nothing here felt familiar save his uncle and Rey. Perhaps certain connections were stronger – if so, how well did he know Rey that he had recognised her straight away? He settled down to meditate, keeping those thoughts on his mind and wondering idly if he jumped through enough hoops Luke would finally give in and simply tell him.


	4. Chapter 4

 

Rey was used to spending time on her own. In fact, some days when she had been on a planet with more people than space, she had grown to miss the quiet of her downed AT-AT and the comforts within. It was different now.

She didn’t feel content to sit in her room and read the manuals Luke had given her. Nor did she want to wander the ancient halls of the oldest Jedi temple for fear of running into him. It was stupid. She wasn’t afraid of him. She refused to be intimidated by him. Instead, she watched him. She wanted to be prepared for the moment it came back and he attacked.

The more she did, the more agitated she became. She couldn’t look at him and see anyone other than Kylo Ren. Even without the mask and heavy black cape, she could still see _him._ She could still feel the pain in her rib from where his sabre had cut her or the residual ache in her thigh. Whenever she saw the scar on his face she saw their meeting on Starkiller.

Rey couldn’t not see Kylo Ren – and yet he was nothing like he had been.

He joked with Luke, _laughed_ with him. She had watched the skin around his eyes crinkle with joy instead of anger. His voice was lighter, his tone gentle. So many adjectives that did not match Kylo Ren’s anger and hatred. She saw no loathing in his eyes when he looked at her, felt no fury.

Luke insisted that he couldn’t remember and Rey didn’t know what to do with that. How could she hold a grudge against the man who killed his father if he had no recollection of it? If they weren’t the same person? When she looked at him she saw Kylo’s body but it was as though another person were living within.

It messed with her mind, blurred the lines. She didn’t want them blurred. She wanted to be able to cling to the grudge inside her, to feel rage at the man who had caused so much damage.

So she spent her free time away. Away from the facility, the newly built buildings to survive the Resistance near the old temple. She took to exploring the island in detail, heading out further and further each time. It allowed her to calm more than she could in the facility, not knowing that Kylo Ren was so close.

She threw herself into experiencing the world. The rain and the wind. The sea breeze and the feel of grass in her hands. She could stand at the coast for hours and simply watch the ebb and flow. She wondered how there could be so much of it here and so little on Jakku. On the few occasions that they had had honest downtime, Poe had tried to teach her and Finn how to swim. She learnt enough that she was confident she wouldn’t drown but she still felt intimidated by how violently it lashed the rocks only to recede and do so again. An endless cycle.

Her life was better now. With friends like Finn and Poe. With the safety of the Resistance. Away from Plutt. It didn’t stop her from wondering about her family. Had they come from a world like this? Or one like Takodana? Or D’Qar? What was her home planet? Did she have siblings? The thoughts always came back to her when she let them.

Maz was right. They had left her and she needed to move on but she couldn’t stop clinging to the wonder of how different her life may have been if they hadn’t. Such thoughts distracted her, stopped her from sensing the approach of another until she heard their footfalls too close and jumped, spinning and brandishing her blade, hesitating before lowering it when she realised who it was.

“Ben,” she forced herself to say through gritted teeth. “Don’t sneak up on me like that.”

“My apologies,” he stated but she saw no remorse in his eyes. “I actually wanted to talk to you. You’ve been avoiding me.”

“Yes,” she admitted easily, cautious as she holstered her blade and turned back to the water but kept him in her periphery. She wanted the satisfaction of turning away from him but couldn’t let that want blind her and open her back to the enemy.

“Why?”

“I don’t trust you.”

Rather than a demand for her reasoning, rather than anger or sadness, he laughed. “That’s the first honest answer I’ve had since I’ve woken up. Refreshing really.”

Rey lifted her brow stunned into glancing at him.

He explained. “Luke believes I need to go on some mystical journey of self-reflection to recover what memories I lost. He won’t tell me anything save ‘search your feelings’.”

Rey turned back to the ocean. “Sounds like Luke.”

Kylo hummed. She still wasn’t used to hearing human things out of him. Seeing him smile greatly unnerved her. The last time she had seen him smile before the accident had been a bitter thing, all teeth as he kicked her down a ledge and she lost her balance, almost tumbling off of the cliff.

“Why are you out here?”

“You know, I don’t have to answer your questions.”

“Fine, don’t,” he shrugged even if she couldn’t see it. “But if you’ve come all the way out here just to avoid me, you don’t need to. I don’t know what I did to upset you but I doubt a simple apology is going to fix it so how about, I stay out of your way?”

“How very generous of you,” she wrapped her arms around her chest. “Not everything I do revolves around you though. I might just be out here because I like the view.”

“Good to know.”

She opened her mouth and then frowned at his smirk. Why was she even responding? Part of her wanted to walk away but he hadn’t given her reason and a tiny voice within her mind reminded that he wouldn’t understand why if she did. The idea of storming away lost its appeal.

“It’s quiet here,” he admitted, altering the line of their conversation, staring out at the sea.

“I like quiet,” she said feeling bitterness flood her voice as she emphasised the ‘quiet’ part.

“Eventually the quiet becomes deafening,” he murmured and the change in his tone, the sadness within it made her turn and stare at him. He shook it off quickly. “Luke asked me to tell you that one of the communication coils broke and needs repairing.”

Rey stood for a moment just watching him as he stared out into the sea. She wasn’t sure why the image stuck with her and turned away before she said something. She wasn’t his friend. His sombre mood was none of her concern. The communication array was. The last thing she wanted was for their links to the Resistance to go dark.

She wasn’t sure why she was surprised when she was half-way back and he remained unmoving, taking over her vigil watching over the ocean.


	5. Chapter 5

 

“Again,” Luke called calmly and the pair returned to their initial forms and went through the motions of the duel. Rey’s face was hard set and determined and Ben found it fascinating how focused she was, how she constantly felt the need to put on a display of power.

She threw herself into every hit she levelled against him but that intensity left little attention for her footwork. Luke commented such and Ben watched the little mark of irritation hit before she forced herself to breathe and listened to his instruction.

They were once again moving through basic attacks and blocks. What had a few weeks ago been contact-less motions had become contact-based sparring, putting the forms she had learnt to use. She was a startlingly fast learner when she was allowed to be, proficient in most new moves in as few as a dozen attempts. The sound of wooden staves clacking filled the room; a pile of their robes and outer tunics on the ground. Both of them were panting, sweat lining their foreheads, sticking hairs to their head but Rey was trying to hide it.

As they moved through the routine, learning the moves as if it were a dance, he noticed that the tenacity wasn’t directed at him entirely but herself. Particularly, when he could do something seamlessly and she could not.

Typical of their training sessions, it lasted a few hours before Luke dismissed them. Ben watched his uncle’s retreat with a frown. Had Luke noticed the frustration and anger that tore through her and chosen to ignore it or had he simply decided to let her be? Whatever relationship had formed between Luke and Rey left Ben confused. He trained her with the same rigour Ben had received years ago and yet there was a wall between them. Space that Luke would not pass between.

Ben watched her keenly as she moved through the room. The sessions had become more intense since Luke had stopped simply guiding them through forms and let her practice against him. It affected her more, her body only untensing when the demands of sparring pushed it from her shoulders. She was catching her breath, removing the now-saturated bandages she wore up her arms during training.

 “Rey,” he greeted calmly as he moved over to her unwilling to let Luke’s detachedness affect her training. “You did well today.”

She glanced up at him and raised a brow.

“How long have you been studying?”

“A year,” she responded as straightforward as she ever was when she deigned to answer his questions which wasn’t particularly often. “On and off.”

He nodded to himself. “You show great potential. I have seen it take some years to accomplish what you have managed in months.”

There was a look that crossed her face. He’d seen it a few times. It was close to disbelief. What had happened between them that simple niceties surprised her such? She tried to hide it but enough of it slipped through. The way her spine straightened when he entered a room, the way she glanced towards the nearest exit before forcing herself to stay. Now was no different, her eyes flicking to the door behind him before she refocused on her bandages.

“Thank you.”

He hummed and turned to go considering it progress. He had come to accept that his only companionship on the island would be his uncle and even that was wrong. The memories might be ten years old now but when he considered the difference in how Luke looked at him now compared to then, he felt the contrast dearly. He felt isolated. It worried him that Luke didn’t seem different in his interactions with Rey either.

Ben understood why Luke wanted to keep him here until his memories returned but that hardly meant he liked it. There was something missing here that had been present at the last Jedi temple he called home. Something fundamental but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. If nothing else, the feeling was reason enough for him to spend those many moments alone trying to break through the blankness within his mind. Whenever he tried it felt so impenetrable that he thought he would never regain what was lost. He wanted to feel whole again and even though he was unsure on Luke’s instruction he had no other choice.

He was contemplating whether he had the strength then to try again when he was stilled by her voice, “Ben?”

He turned and although he had only put a few feet between them, she suddenly looked so small. He knew she was younger than him but it was hard to feel that difference when the only other person he had many dealings with was so much older. Now, with her legs tucked under herself and her eyes so unsettled, he felt that. She looked almost as lost as he felt.

“What’s wrong?”

She stared at him for a long minute before shaking her head and turning to the other wall. He contemplated leaving again but gave her a minute, glad he had when she spoke again, still not facing him. “You can’t remember anything?”

He exhaled. “Nothing since my time at the academy.”

She turned back, lips tight as if she was trying to puzzle something out. “What’s that like?”

“Confusing. There’s something lurking but I can’t access it. It feels as if I just push hard enough, I might remember but no matter how I try, the wall remains.”

“And there’s nothing of your life before at all? Not names or places or images? Has anything come back to you?”

He shook his head. “It’s gone. Everything in the past decade. I don’t know. Maybe that’s not the worst thing.”

“Oh?”

“Luke said we didn’t get along. You told me you don’t trust me. I do not know what I did but I can only assume I made mistakes,” he met her gaze. “But you cared enough to save my life. That gives me hope.”

She stared at him for a long minute before narrowing her eyes. “Just because I saved you doesn’t mean that I cared,” she settled on as she stood. Ready to storm off as she usually did. He didn’t want her to. Not yet. It was the first real conversation he’d had with her in days. “Maybe I just don’t want to watch people die.”

“Maybe,” he allowed keeping his gaze on her. She was uncomfortable, it made two of them. He had never been good at this sort of thing. At trying. “Regardless of your reasoning, I owe you my life.”

“If you’re about to swear some life-debt,” she hedged shaking her head and he chuckled, holding his hand up.

“No such thing. I merely wanted to reintroduce myself. You might remember me but I have a feeling that wasn’t -” he shook his head and offered his hand. Rey stared at it like it was weapon. He felt his nerves at the back of his spine but pushed them down, hastening to expand. “I know you don’t like me but I was hoping, that with all that has passed, that you would be willing to give me a second chance. A do-over.”

She glanced at his fingers and back to his eyes. The minute it took her to decide clenched his stomach in a way he couldn’t expect, the knotting sensation when her fingers slid into his even more powerful. “Alright,” she spoke softly, uncertain. “I suppose it’s fair. I’m Rey.”

“Just Rey?”

She nodded, the tiniest spark of amusement. “Just Rey.”

“Ben Solo,” he lowered their hands and looked towards the door. “I hope this time I don’t give you a reason to distrust me.”

Her eyes darkened for a moment as she looked away, “Me too.”

It was tempting to push for more but it felt tentative between them as it were. Like she was waiting for him to do _something_. The cooling of his skin reminded him where they were, what she was doing as she piled her clothes together and held them against her chest.

“See you later, Ben,” she called and he stood aside. Her took it as progress. Real progress.


	6. Chapter 6

Rey was at a loss.

She was angry. She was infuriated and despised the situation. She wanted to hate him. She had the _right_ to hate him except he wasn’t _him_. Rey had watched for any sign of Kylo but save the fact that they shared the same face, there was so little there. Sometimes, she saw the tiniest glimpse of the solemnness she attributed with Kylo but it was always gone before she could make anything more than it.

“Can I join you?” the man who tormented more of her thoughts than he had a right to asked pulling her out of her revere. She nodded rather than answering, watching as he took the chair opposite her.

She’d agreed to give him a second chance, whatever that meant, but she still wasn’t sure how she was going to manage it. She supposed having lunch together was one way. Luke would probably be proud if he saw them. Rey felt her unease worm through her. She should have told him no and couldn’t pin down why she couldn’t manage it.

“You look like you’re thinking about something difficult,” he commented and snapped her out of her mind. She shook her head, took a mouthful of food.

He waited for her to finish and respond. “Just thinking about training,” she murmured, the first thing that came to her mind.

“You’re doing very well. Luke’s teaching you techniques most don’t learn until their third or forth year.”

She didn’t know that, casting him a curious glance. “How long does training usually take?”

“Depends on the individual and it can’t be rushed. Luke used to keep us in classes but it wasn’t uncommon for some to move ahead faster or slower than the group. I was not allowed to help with training until my eighth year.”

She wasn’t sure what her face read but he offered her a smile, “I have had a long time to hone these moves. Don’t be concerned if you don’t get something immediately.”

She felt her brow furrow surprised by the astuteness of his observations. It had been infuriating watching him move through a set with such fluidity when she tried to remember the order. It made sense but that didn’t make her feel better. Having him identify her weakness for her really didn’t help.

He didn’t push her for conversation when she had nothing to respond with, instead letting silence descend as they ate and that was good because she didn’t know what to say. Part of her was terrified of saying something that would make everything come flooding back. Luke assured her that it wouldn’t, not like that. The fear that she would simply look up and see _him_ again remained.

“Have you been to the other Jedi temple?” Ben asked and she froze, blinking at him. His expression was earnest, interested. She didn’t have defences for this. Not for him being nice to her. Hitting him with a stick was a lot easier.

“No,” she admitted after a pause too long of uncertainty. It made her wonder how Luke managed those many hours she knew he spent with him. “What’s it like?”

“Set in woods. It doesn’t get a lot of light. There’re plenty of places to just walk and think.”

“How long were you there?”

“I don’t know,” he smirked at her but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “That depends on how long I was there before this.” Rey saw the brave mask he was portraying and it hit her how much it reminded her of Han, a thought that quickly sobered her as he asked, “I have to ask, what happened that day? With the explosion?”

“Hasn’t Luke told you?”

“Bits. Why were we there?”

Rey felt caught out. There was no way she could refuse to answer without it being suspicious and meeting his gaze seeing the hurt there cut through her. “I don’t remember everything myself,” she hedged which he accepted with a small nod. “The First Order were mining ore. The job was to destroy the facility. We got caught up in the blast.” 

“Why did the Resistance send us?”

“In case our forces found Force-using opposition.”

“How could the First Order have gotten so powerful? They had hardly any fleets. How could they have Force users within their rank?”

“A lot happened,” she shrugged and even she didn’t know everything after so long secluded. “Defections.”

He sat silently and Rey worried she had said too much.

“I suppose a lot can change in a decade.”

Rey saw the dejection in his eyes as he took a drink from the table. In all the time she had known of the situation she had never felt sympathy for Kylo. She had been opposed to this out of fear for wrong it could end if Kylo came back but she had never worried _for_ him. He had his life, that had been more than enough, more than he deserved but she wasn’t convinced it was Kylo suffering.

“How are you managing?”

It was his turn to look at her with surprise as he murmured, “Fine.”

The word was dismissive but she didn’t want to push. Didn’t know how to. They weren’t friends. She made sure of that. To draw lines between them but he didn’t know why. She wondered how it felt to be on the other end of a grudge he had no idea existed.

“If you need to talk,” she offered not entirely sure what took over her as the words fell out of her mouth. It was Kylo Ren but it wasn’t. When she looked him in the eyes she felt a pull in her chest. Sympathy, perhaps.

She considered that if she could take a picture of him now and place it beside an image from him that day on Starkiller, she wouldn’t be able to see the same man. His hair had been pulled back into a tie on the back of his head from when they were training but that wasn’t the change. It was nothing physically different just his something in the way he held himself. He didn’t look weaker or older just more open, caring.

“Thank you,” he returned. “Though I won’t bore you with my questions any longer.”

She almost stopped him as he stood, told him he wasn’t boring her but then where would that leave her? He was her enemy after all.

“Have a good evening, Rey.”

It hit her as she watched him walk away how difficult it must be to wake up and everything be different. If everything they said was true and he had no memories of Snoke, no memories of turning to the dark side, than he had simply lost years of his life. She couldn’t imagine what he was going through but she did know what it was like to be left behind lost. She closed her eyes and suppressed the desire to go to Luke. There was no turning back from the path they had chosen. Keeping him in the dark felt cruel even knowing the full truth would be worse for everyone. Rey had never wanted to be a part of this and had a new reason why she didn’t think she could keep this up forever.

When she glanced at his retreating form, watching his shoulders slump slightly as he moved through the door, she realised that whilst it might not be forever, right now he wasn’t Kylo Ren.


	7. Chapter 7

 

Frustration tore through him as he opened his eyes and pounded the ground with his fist. It had been three months. Three months and he hadn’t remembered a thing. Nothing from before. Luke had sat with him for hours, told him to let the Force guide him, only he could never unravel the truth. The more he tried and the more he listened to Luke’s advice the more twisted his thoughts became.

Did Luke even want him to know the truth?

What awful thing was he protecting him from?

There was perspiration on his forehead and an ache in his skull. It was dark outside and he rubbed his hands over his face as he glanced at the clock. It had been hours and nothing. It felt as if his own mind was fighting him.

He stood from his room and headed towards his Uncle’s. He needed to confront him. To hear the answers to his questions and not the mystical ifs and when’s he had been receiving. Luke had told him some facts to tide him over. He accepted the truth but it didn’t align within him. He did not want to know the events of the past decade like a child knew history from studying datapads. Whatever Luke was telling him wasn’t the whole story but in his bones that was what he needed it.

He made it as far as the door before he paused, hearing a voice inside that he felt as though he hadn’t heard in years.

“ _Yes, I understand what you’re saying but how is he_?” Leia demanded, voice crackling over the comm channel.

For one second he felt relief before it twisted. Of course, she would demand an update but not actually come herself.

_Senator Organa is too busy to take your call at present, please leave a message and she will contact you at her next available opportunity._

He gritted his teeth. He knew he should turn around and come back later but there was a pull inside him to stay. To hear her. To hear this.

“In health? Well. He has fully recovered from the physical injuries he obtained. The memories haven’t returned.”

“ _Well. That’s something then,_ ” her tone was bitter but calm? Why wasn’t she as frustrated as he? Why wasn’t she demanding to know why not? “ _And what about Rey?_ ”

“She’s struggling with the adjustment.”

_“Can you blame her?”_

“And how are you holding up?”

Footsteps had him turn. Rey stilled as she saw him, the previous bounce in her step dissipating.

“Ben?” she said cautiously and his shoulders dropped as he scrubbed his hands over his face. He felt all his frustrations hit him again when he saw her. Her attitude towards him was improving he liked to think it was a result of their honest conversations. She didn’t actively flee from him anymore but she still kept him at an arm’s length. Of the two people he had regular contact with one hid the truth and the other treated him with caution and no small amount of fear. He could try and deny that that is what it was but he had seen flickers of fear and anger in those first few weeks.

“Ben,” she repeated taking a step closer to him, her voice was firmer. He saw the apprehension in her eyes when he looked at her, “What’s going on?”

He dipped his head already feeling childish. “I just needed to speak to Luke about something but he’s in a call.”

“You look –“ she changed her tone quickly, shaking her head. “Has something happened? Have you remembered – ?”

He gave her a petulant look and turned away from the alcove that lead to Luke’s office. He walked to the window further down the corridor. Staring out into the dark, letting the sound of the rain run through him. “I _wish_ I could remember,” he told her plainly. “Something. _Anything_. I keep trying and trying but –“ he made a frustrated noise and clenched his fist.

“Hey,” she stepped to his side, her shoulders relaxed slightly. The apprehension changing to sympathy that he didn’t particularly care to see. He didn’t want her to pity him. “These things take time.”

“You don’t sound convinced,” he pointed out, meeting her gaze.

She shrugged, let her gaze go back to the window. “There’s a chance they’ll never return,” she said what Luke always tried to avoid stating. It wasn’t what he wanted to hear but there was something about the truth, about an honest answer that made him feel better.

“I know.”

“What will you do if that happens?”

“You mean if Luke ever lets me off the planet?” he hedged, lifting his brow at her. She kept her expression carefully neutral as she waited. He looked at the sky, at the stars. “I don’t know. What is the appropriate amount of time to wait before realising it’s a lost cause?”

“I guess,” she was puzzling through these questions herself. “That depends on you.”

He made a noise in his throat. He wouldn’t be defeated by his own mind. “If I find myself given the choice I imagine they’ll be tasks the Resistance would have me do. Otherwise I would like to help Luke. Believe it or not he didn’t used to be so withdrawn.”

“A lot happened.”

“A phrase that doesn’t help the person with amnesia,” he sighed. There were no easy answers. Nothing solid he could use to guide him through. Rey remained by his side, silent. Her gaze was likewise on the rain, “I appreciate that you’re trying to help,” he said honestly. Things were better when he could speak to someone – not Luke. It didn’t mean he wanted to trap her in his mind. “But I did not mean to distract you. Feel free to carry on.”

“It’s okay,” she said after a moment, turning away from the window to study him. “If Luke’s in a call that could take a while. Probably better if we go sit down then eavesdrop.”

“I wasn’t –“ he began but she merely gave him a look and moved without waiting for his reply and he followed her to one of the communal areas not destined for training. There were a few other people around. Those Resistance workers who uniformly ignored his existence. He wondered, given how Rey didn’t bat an eye at them, if they ignored her too. She settled on a sofa and he sat opposite her.

The awkwardness between them had rescinded enough of late that she felt comfortable enough to pull her legs onto the sofa, crossing them before her as he considered her. There was something new – something that made her lips tug up when she wasn’t looking at anything.

“Good news?” he asked wanting the distraction now. He didn’t like the way he felt and dwelling on it would do little to improve that. 

“Just got a transmission. We’re getting a supply run in a few days.”

“I didn’t think you’d be so excited for fresh food.”

“I’m always excited at the prospect of fresh food,” she rolled her eyes and he noted it down in the file he’d been compiling within his mind of Rey. She still didn’t answer all of his questions but he had learnt things through her; the Resistance was the only thing stopping the First Order, an entire system had been wiped out a year ago, and she was Luke’s first apprentice in a long time. A picture was beginning to form in his head but there were still too many blanks. The uncertainty within him, the sensation that something terrible had happened, only grew with more he learnt. “Just some of my friends will be coming along too.”

“That sounds nice.”

It wasn’t sarcastic but he couldn’t help the way it came out. He could count on his hands the number of friends he had had in his life. Even at the academy, there were those who disliked him either because of jealousy of his ability or birth. It was a reminder that not everything had been good when he was there.

“You’re still thinking about it,” she guessed glancing over him. “Sometimes it’s better not to dwell on the past. What do you do for fun?”

“I suppose I meditate.”

“That’s not exactly what I had in mind,” she drawled, tilting her head.

“I used to spend a great deal of time reading,” he stated struggling to think of any recent examples.  “The forests outside of the academy had plenty of places where you could simply disappear,” he shook his head before he could delve into that feeling, flipping the question back on her. “What did you do on that desert planet to kill the time?”

“I kept some tech that I scavenged. Taught myself how to fly, languages other than galactic basic. It kept me busy.”

They spoke back and forth of small things. He knew she was trying to distract him from his turmoil but he didn’t begrudge the opportunity she was giving him. He would offer a piece of his childhood in return for something of hers. He knew about her lack of family and the strife she had suffered. She was guarded with what she said, keeping things back just for her. He didn’t begrudge her or push for anything she was unwilling to offer.

Speaking to her calmed his mind, the frustrations and agitation he had felt disintegrating as occasionally she would say something to make him laugh or smile. The conversation flowed relatively easily through the safer topics of their childhood.

“What did you do when you couldn’t go scavenging?” he asked, interrupting her story about trying to barter parts for a new moisture detector and having to steal them instead.

She paused and pursed her lips. “What do you mean when I couldn’t?”

“If you were sick or the weather unfavourable.”

“I wasn’t sick much after I turned ten and before there was a woman at the outpost who took care of me. The storms were the worst. No one could go outdoors for fear of not being able to get back inside. I usually had a few rations saved for bad days.”

“And if you didn’t?”

“I went hungry.”

He did not pity her. Instead, he saw the strength within her to survive and understood a little better why she always threw herself into everything that she did. “Luke grew up on a desert planet too.”

“I wouldn’t recommend it,” she smiled and he enjoyed the sight of it. There was something about Rey that was different than the others. He assumed it was some residual feeling from before or the kindred spirit between two jedi. “Where did you grow up?”

“Before I joined the Academy? Mother preferred to keep me planet side.”

“You don’t sound happy about that.”

“No,” he agreed. “I don’t suppose I do.”

When he made no attempt to expand, Rey glanced to the side. “You’re lucky you knew your family.”

“Rey –“ it was partially apologetic but she shook her head. The room was empty. It was later than he had realised surprised that she had willingly sat and talk to him as she had.

“Luke’s probably free if you want to talk to him now.”

“No,” he decided it could wait. He didn’t want to trudge up that again now. “It’s okay.”

She stood up and stretched, his eyes watched as the fabric of her shirt rode up to reveal her stomach. Flicking back up when she spoke. “It’s late. I should get to bed.”

“Good night, Rey.”

She took a few steps before glancing back. “Not going to sleep?” she asked.

“I do not find sleep easily,” he admitted.

“Try reading the datapad on shuttle maintenance. Never fails to send me off.”

He smiled at her attempt knowing she had missed the point. The prospect of going to his room, the silence that would overtake him there, was not one that thrilled him. His sleep had been deteriorating; often he would wake in the early hours, heart pounding and with no recollection of his dream despite a sensation of empty darkness.

Ben had burdened Rey enough that day, standing with a smile. “Maybe you’re right.”

Their rooms were on opposing ends of the building and it was only after a few steps they went their separate ways. 

He took a moment to watch as she departed shaking his head as the image twisted; the walls and floors replaced by snow. It was gone in a moment, one blink to the next.

Shaking his head, Ben headed for rest, glad he had ran into her.


	8. Chapter 8

Rey was excited enough that Luke didn’t criticise when she asked to leave their session early and go out to the make-shift hangar the island held. There were already people milling around. When the decision had come to bring Kylo here, changes had to be made to the facility. Now, most were heading back. Rey expected to be envious of them but now she wasn’t. It was a generic shuttle that landed, not the Falcon. It would be too much for a lot of people to see that.

It wasn’t the ship that mattered to Rey, instead her focus lay solely with the occupiers of said shuttle. She beamed as the ramp lowered and she saw Finn standing there. Her legs carried her up the ramp before he could take a step and he laughed as she wrapped around him.

“Missed you too,” he told her as she pulled back. There was warmth in his eyes and a familiarity she hadn’t realised that she needed until then. It was good. Grounding when everything in her head felt up in the air.

“You said ‘a few weeks’. It’s been three months,” she lamented punching him with no real intent behind it as he shrugged.

“The General kept us busy.”

“That she did,” Poe commented as he came towards them carrying a crate. “Now, I know that you’ve missed me dearly, Rey, but if we could get this stuff moved first –“

They spent about twenty minutes hauling supplies onto the island and taking empty crates back onto the shuttle. It was exactly what you’d expect in a supply drop; spare equipment, enough food in rations to last them a few months, and whatever they’d specifically ordered since arriving. She spied a few boxes of fresh food and felt her mouth water. The planet was not without vegetation but after experiencing the array of different foods on offer, it always irked Rey whenever she found herself eating a ration pack.

When the hard work was done, the trio escaped to the canteen. For Finn and Poe it was their first real break in a while but for Rey it was an injection of everything she’d been starved of. Since they were treading on such delicate waters, communications off of the island were severely limited. It gave them a lot to discuss without even treading on the biggest topic there was. Time passed quickly then and the sky was beginning to darken as Poe caught her up on their current objective.

“Whatever time you brought us destroying that facility on Bastatha, the First Order are working hard to undo.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

Poe shook his head, “We’ve got scouts and spies all over the place but somehow, somewhere they’re building new ships.”

Rey leant forwards, elbows resting on her thighs, chin on her hand. “So there’s nothing?”

“No, the General’s working on it. We’re all working on it. It’s going to take some time.”

Rey nodded. Information was hard won and easily lost. Hearing them talk about the tedium some days brought waiting for some new clue, made her feel a bit better at being kept out of it. Whatever issues she ran into she was always learning.   

“How’s it here?” Finn asked glancing around when she had no immediate question to pepper them with like she had been the past few hours. “It’s certainly more hospitable than when we arrived.”

“The huts still there,” Poe added idly. “Saw it as we came to land.”

“It’s interesting,” she stated not knowing how else to put it. “He’s different.”

“Take ten years off of any of us and that’d happen,” Poe shook his head. “Skywalker shouldn’t –“ 

Poe’s words died on his lips and it didn’t take much to understand why as his eyes travelled behind Rey. She turned and offered a smile that didn’t quite make her eyes as he got closer.

“Hey,” she offered and he inclined his head, before turning his attention to the others. “Guys, this is Ben Solo. Ben, this is Finn and –“

“Dameron?” Ben interrupted, smile pulling up at his lip as Poe stood and offered a hand.

“Long time no see, Solo.”

“You know each other?” Rey asked trying to mask the extent of her confusion as Poe turned his smile to her. There was something in his eyes.

“Met on a few occasions. Back in the days when I was only the Resistance’s _second_ best pilot.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Good to see some things don’t change.”

Poe sat down and Ben along with him, taking a seat opposite Poe and next to Rey. “This guy,” Poe began as if Kylo had never existed, had never tortured him to within an inch of his life. “Plays a mean game of Pazaak. Taught me a thing or two about a poker face and not to gamble with a Jedi.”

Ben smirked. “I told you then, I’ll tell you now. I didn’t influence your mind.”

“Oh yeah, because I’d totally chance another card when I was sitting pretty on nineteen to your seventeen.”

“And Jedi mind tricks only work on the weak-willed,” Ben shot back. “So unless you’re calling yourself weak-willed –“

“Just caught off guard.”

Ben shook his head but there was amusement there. “Good to see you again,” Finn was silent, staring and Rey smiled trying not to let the reality of the situation sit in. “How’d you know Rey?”

“It’s a long story,” Poe hedged. “To cut it short, Finn rescued me and then Rey rescued my droid _and_ Finn and together they stole a ship to get it back to me.”

“Hey, Rey didn’t rescue me.”

“You’re a damsel in distress. There’s no shame in it.”

Rey chuckled and enjoyed the scowl on Finn that only deepened when Ben smirked. Initial excitement at the prospect of seeing her friends had been tampered by the idea of how they might react. Poe’s reactions made it a little easier to settle. Finn’s didn’t. “If it makes you feel better, Rey saved me too.”

“You know what? It doesn’t.”

“ _Finn_ ,” Rey warned and his eyes narrowed at her.

“Don’t get jealous just because Rey can kick ass better than you,” Poe tried to calm and she shot him a thankful gaze.

“I have little doubt Rey could kick anyone’s ass,” Ben added, glancing at her.  

She turned it back at him, lifting her brow in disbelief. “I could beat you with my old stick, throw lightsabres into the mix and I’m not sure.”

“Give it time. You’re very talented,” his expression was honest, encouraging and she felt her lips pull up involuntarily.

“I need some air,” Finn declared, standing. He moved quickly, throwing open the patio door and stopping not far outside it. Rey contemplated staying a moment before she followed, giving Ben and Poe a silent apology as she left.

\-------

Ben watched her go with no small amount of confusion, sensing her reluctance as she did. Poe let out a deep sigh before sitting back further in his chair.

“Ignore them,” he insisted.

“Something I said?”

Poe lifted his brow in contemplation before shaking his head. “No. Now, how about we get some cards out and see if I haven’t improved since last time?”

The offer was unexpected, as was seeing someone from his past. Someone he still knew and didn’t treat him any differently. It made the universe not seem so completely foreign, like he still had a place here. There’d been a sensation growing in the back of his mind that he didn’t belong that up until then, only Rey had helped temper.

Sitting with Poe helped but even then, he couldn’t stop his eyes following Rey outside. He could see her where she had stopped just outside the facility from the far window. Finn was out of sight but whatever he was saying was hitting hard. Her shoulders had dropped, eyes cast to the floor.

“Should we go –“

“Best leaving them to it,” Poe casually interrupted. “If there’s one thing you can trust, it’s that Finn is looking out for her.”

“Oh,” the depth of the disappointment he felt at the idea that Rey had someone who cared for her – had a _someone_ – surprised him. He tried to keep his voice the same as he asked, “Are they together then?”

“Uh, not exactly?” Poe circumvented before running a hand through his hair. “I shouldn’t say anything though.”

Ben nodded along, feeling his stomach drop and mood sour even as he tried to brush it off. “I don’t have any cards.”

Poe seemed relieved as he stood. “Give me five minutes.” 

Ben couldn’t stop his gaze returning to Rey and remaining on her.

\------

The air was frigid. It was coming up to the colder season and Rey regretted not having thicker robes on as she followed him into it, quickly wrapping her arms around her chest. She knew what this was about.

“You seem chummy.”

“What do you expect, Finn? He’s not the same person he was.”

“And what about when he remembers? Then what? Do you think he’ll care about any of this? Do you think he’ll suddenly forgive us and see the light?”

“What would you have me do?”

“Keep away from him! I know that you’re here for a reason but you don’t need to be his friend, Rey.”

“It’s not so easy.”

“Of course it is.”

“No, it isn’t. I tried, Finn. I tried to hate him but it _isn’t_ him. Not anymore. He laughs, he smiles and makes jokes –“ she shook her head hoping she could make him see reason but she knew it wasn’t that easy. She had had months to watch Ben, to ensure that any traces of Kylo Ren were gone, if she hadn’t, she’d be exactly the same as Finn. Cautious and quite frankly, scared. She stepped closer to him, gripped his arm. “You can only see this going wrong. What if it doesn’t? What if the memories don’t come back? Then what? I want to give him a reason to stay on the light side, Finn. Not to join the darkness again.”

“And you’re that reason?”

“Last time, he was alone – he’s told me about it. He didn’t have real friends at the temple. He just needed someone, anyone to see him and he might never have fallen to Snoke.”

“I just don’t like that you’re in the firing line.”

“No more so than when you go out against the First Order.”

He studied her for a long minute and she felt small under his scrutiny. “You like him.”

“He’s not like he was. He’s friendly and he listens to me, tells me about his past. Isn’t it better to have him on our side?”

Finn crossed his arms. “No, Rey. You _like_ him, like him. I can see it in your eyes.”

She felt her face blush even as she went to deny it. “ _No_ ,” she insisted. “I don’t.”

For one minute, she thought he was going to argue the point – and then his shoulders dropped and he rubbed his face. “Sorry. That was uncalled for.”

“Yes it was.”

“Maybe I just got into my own head.” He considered her again, pushed a hand through his hair and exhaled deeply. “You believe he’s really gone?”

She nodded her head. “There’s nothing but Ben Solo.”

“And you trust him?”

“He’s a friend.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“I know."

She watched as Finn made up his mind, wondered if she could have made a stronger case but when his shoulders slumped and he dipped his head, she knew it was time to move on.

“You should probably go and apologise for walking out.”

Finn lifted his brow. She quickly continued, “At the moment you just look very rude.”

“Fine,” he huffed and turned, took a step and stopped. “We good?”

“Yeah,” she exhaled and looked to the sky. “We’re good.”

\-----


	9. Chapter 9

“Jump to that ledge,” Ben stated, pointing to a piece of rock jutting out from the rest. It was easily twenty-feet up.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” she drawled crossing her arms. “I could probably climb it.”

The weather was nice for the island. It was still overcast but not chilly, dry with a slight breeze. It had taken them about two hours to reach this part of the island, facing a sheer cliff. There was water behind them, lapping close but not quite touching their ankles. When Luke told her that their lesson today would be outside this wasn’t what she had in mind.

“You can manipulate the Force to help you,” he insisted and she watched him dubiously. “Start by centring yourself. Feel the Force around you.”

Rey was never fond of this bit but did as she was bid, closing her eyes and taking in deep breaths as Luke had told her. She could feel it moving around her, through her. The sensation still foreign to her.

“Open your eyes,” Ben encouraged and she did, finding herself staring at the wall dubiously. There were plenty of places to grab and catch hold.

“I can sense your unease,” Ben said after a moment. “I have no doubt you could scale this one but not every obstacle will have crevices to help you.”

Her mind cruelly chose that moment as an opportunity to remind herself of her escape from Starkiller. How much easier it would have been to jump up the wall instead of scaling it.

“I’ll go first, you follow.”

His words pulled her back in time to watch as he leapt. Her eyes widened as he made the jump in one movement, resting on the ledge he had identified to her. She stared up at him. He wasn’t even out of breath. Simply waiting, eyes locked on her.

“You can do it,” Ben reassured though the wind took his words. Knowing that it _was_ possible hardened her resolve and she once again closed her eyes, felt for the Force. She didn’t truly understand how it was meant to help her or how she was to manipulate it but she clung to it and then jumped.

Her focus had been on Ben more than the ledge, something she regretted when she landed, footings not where it should have been. She stumbled backwards but he was faster, grabbing hold of her arm and pulling her close.

She landed with her hands against his chest, eyes immediately moving to the drop behind them. “Okay,” she exhaled feeling a little shaky. “Alright.”

Ben chuckled drawing her attention back to him. He let go of her arm but there wasn’t much room on the ledge, keeping her pressed close against him. “I expected you to fall short and having to pull you up, not having to pull you down.” Before she could reply, he cast his gaze further upwards. “Look where it is you want to land. Have the force help you reach your target, let it flow through you. Never do a blind jump unless you’re desperate or like the sensation of falling.”

“Not particularly,” she said taking in deep breaths.

“Calm, Rey. You’ve already proven you can do this. Now,” he pointed again to another ledge. Easily another twenty feet above them. “Ready?”

“We’re going higher?”

“Luke is waiting for us at the top,” Ben commented as she let her gaze move further upwards. It was easily two-hundred feet. “Don’t worry. I’m here to help.”

She was given the mental image of doing this with Luke and him simply waiting for her at the top and shouting down instructions and for a moment she was very glad than Ben was there. He stepped away from her as much as he could on the ledge before making his own jump.

He didn’t stumble as he landed, glancing back at her with an encouraging smile. Rey wasn’t afraid of heights but this felt reckless. Especially when she saw the hard rocks at the bottom waiting for her if she made a mistake.

She chose not to focus on that though and went through the stages as she had the first time.

The second time she landed a little better, stumbling and grabbing hold of his arm. He gave her an encouraging smile as she steadied herself.

“Out of curiosity,” she asked feeling her heart pound. “What happens if I miss?”

“I’ll ensure that you don’t fall. Either pulling you up or slowing your descent. Whichever is more necessary.”

“Let’s try to avoid that,” she exhaled simultaneously glad that he knew how to do that and terrified that he might need to. She pushed through it though. It had been different on Jakku when she had done similar things. Rey worked in and out of those wrecks every day. She knew what the best routes were and she was used to climbing but rocks felt insecure under her fingertips in a way she knew was entirely in her head. She pushed past it all to focus.

Their rest on each ledge became shorter after each leap and the process became a little easier. She still had to think about it, calm herself before every new attempt, but her confidence grew. When they reached the penultimate ledge, Ben didn’t point to their next destination.

“The jump to the top is only slightly larger than the ones you’ve done already,” he stated calmly as he did whenever he guided her through something. “Pick a spot and leap.”

She nodded mostly to herself before closing her eyes. She saw where she wanted to land. There were a few rocks jutting outwards for her to grab if it went poorly. It felt odd jumping with less space, Ben watching her.

She bent her legs before she leapt , gasped when her stomach hit the rocks she had identified to help her. It winded her as her fingers dug into the dirt, legs kicking out for purchase. She glanced up and saw Luke waiting, arms crossed as he watched.

A second later there was a hand offered and she took it, pulling in a deep breath when she was once more on solid ground. Ben lowered her hand but remained focus on her, small smile gracing his lips.

“You did well. Remember to trust yourself and your instinct.”

“Thanks,” she felt her heart pounding all the same as she turned to Luke.

His face was an emotionless mask as he considered the two of them, gaze flickering between them. Eventually he moved, stepping forwards and glancing over the edge.

“Some would have started with a smaller cliff,” Luke’s tone was non-judgemental but questioning and she turned to consider Ben as he held himself.

“Rey was capable enough for this.”

“So I see. Take a few minutes,” he told them both, turning and stepping away from them. “And then descend to the bottom. When you think Rey is proficient, I will see you at the temple, Ben.”

“You aren’t staying?” Ben asked and she noted the uncertainty in his voice.

“It isn’t necessary and I have a few things to arrange.”

Rey turned and went to glance back down over what she had conquered. She had experience with this sort of thing but they didn’t have any rope or safety measures. The logical part of her brain rebelled as she realised what they were going to do.

“We’re jumping down aren’t we?”

Ben squeezed her shoulder. “Yes.”

Rey closed her eyes and forced herself to take deep breaths.

\-----

Down was certainly faster than up but also ten times more terrifying. The day was taxing. They scaled up the harsh rock only to return shortly after. Slowly but surely Ben increased the size of the jumps and although she had grown proficient she was not completely over the feeling twisting in her stomach.

They were taking a break at the top. There were scratches on her arms from her few near misses but true to his word, she’d never even come close to falling. She absently rubbed at her arms, sitting near the edge, close enough to see over but not directly down. Ben was by her side, arms over his knees.

“Somebody actually tried this without knowing it would work,” she idly commented.  

He inclined his head. “Probably out of necessity but the Force would have been there to guide them.”

Rey had felt the Force with her whenever she jumped. A blanket of security that made her believe she could do it. “Is this how you learnt it?” she gestured back to the cliff and he shook his head.

“I started with horizontal leaps.” She felt herself glower at him, noting the way his lips tilted upwards as he shrugged. “You are more than capable of this, Rey. Don’t give yourself so little credit.”

She felt warmth rise on her cheeks at the easy praise. Luke’s approval was usually stilted and came to a few words. He turned back to the temple. “We’re done for the day.”

“Good,” she felt her shoulders relax. It had been tiring work but she could see the usefulness of it. She went to collect her robe having shed it before descending the first time. A lot of the ability came from the Force, but at its core, she was the one doing the work. She felt tired, her muscles and mind lagging. Luke focused so much on forms and posture it felt nice to actually learn something that felt more real. A tangible skill.

And Ben had been helpful, really helpful. It didn’t for one moment make her reconsider what Kylo had offered her. Kylo was impatient, rough, demanding and she felt herself tense at the prospect of being under his tutelage but it wasn’t Kylo. They weren’t working for the First Order and Ben was nothing but patient and kind as he encouraged her.

There was an ease in which he taught her. She found it simple to listen to him, to let him guide her. “Did you ever have an apprentice?” she asked mind following that pattern as they walked back.

“No,” he replied on an exhale and she thought she felt something under it. “I helped with various tasks but was never assigned anyone specifically.”

She wondered why but didn’t press.

He had been open with her during the day but conversation between them faltered after. Rey had first felt the shift after her return with Finn. She had been relieved to see Ben and Poe playing but he had left not long after, leaving the trio alone until Finn and Poe’s departure the following morning.

They hadn’t spoken about it since.

She didn’t like the silence. There had been plenty of times before where no conversation flowed between them but it reminded her too much of the beginning. When she had carried nothing but anger and contempt towards him. Something she now regretted.

“What was that card game you were playing with Poe? Pazaak?” she asked wanting to break the silence.

Ben glanced at her. “Yes. Do you play?”

“Never,” she admitted. She did know a bit about it. She remembered seeing Plutt and some of his cronies play at the outpost after his rations counter closed but had never had the inclination or desire to ask to play.

“Oh,” he turned back to the path. “Poe gave me a set of cards before he left the other day.”

“Tell me the rules.”

“It’s relatively easy,” he expanded and spent most of the walk back explaining rules and strategies. She listened along, glad to hear him enthusiastic about something. She felt the simple conversation chase away whatever had caused him to back away. They were close to the temple when he said, “If you’re interested -” he began but quickly shut himself off.

She took a step and stilled before him, forced him to meet her gaze. “Yeah, it sounds good. Maybe after dinner?”

He dipped his head. “Alright. I should go speak with Luke. Inform him of your progress.”

“Try to avoid making me seem too incompetent.”

“I could only do so by lying,” he stated it in such a way, so truthfully, she felt her cheeks redden.

“Thanks.”

He surprised her by placing his hand on her shoulder, squeezing. “Just wait until we do it again with a bigger cliff.”

She groaned and he chuckled as he departed. The noise was light and made her smile, glad to have pulled him back. What she had told Finn hadn’t been a lie. She did want to help Ben, to make sure that he didn’t want to go back to the dark side even if he did remember. He deserved that chance.


	10. Chapter 10

 

Luke’s office was always calming. He wasn’t sure if it was the smell of tea that infused the air or simply the nature of the man inside it and yet it was the area where Ben often felt the most confused and uncomfortable. Ben entered as Luke was reading over the datafile before him, only glancing upwards when he had finished what he was doing.

When Luke looked over him he knew he was searching for something. Eventually, he sat back in his chair, fingers intertwined on the desk before him. “How are you feeling?”

“Good,” he stated taking the seat opposite his uncle.

“You’re still not sleeping well,” he noted and Ben shrugged. “You’re still meditating before bed?”

“Yes.”

“I’d like you to stop,” Luke’s expression was steady as always, speaking with the wisdom of years. Ben felt confusion wash over him. “It would be best if we put efforts into restoring your memories in our morning sessions.”

“You were the one who told me I needed to meditate to help restore my memories,” Ben struggled feeling the frown deepen in his brow. “Surely I should be devoting more time to medication not less. Unless you don’t actually think it’s helping.”

“It is helping,” Luke pushed leaning forwards onto the desk. “And I still believe that finding inner peace is our best hope, however forcing the issue won’t help. You are frustrating yourself and that is affecting your ability to find peaceful rest.”

“Do you want me to regain my memories?”

It had been in the back of his mind for a while now. Luke who sat with him for hours to try and recall something but offered him nothing to guide him. No tips that might help unlock the memories or start him on the path. Only calming exercises that cleared his mind.

Luke’s expression didn’t alter. “Of course I do, Ben.”

“Then tell me, Uncle. Tell me why we’re on this planet and not at the other temple? Tell me why Rey is your only apprentice? Tell me why we are so secluded?”

Luke sighed and stood, Ben watching him for anything he could use, anything he could try and decipher. Luke stilled before the window. The sky was grey, a wind rippling through the air.

When he eventually turned back, his only response was one word, “No.”

“No?”

“You aren’t ready.”

“How can I not be ready?” Ben bit back, standing. They were his memories and it was his life. Surely he deserved to know what had happened to it.

“I sense your frustrations, nephew. It’s important to calm yourself. Trust that I do this for your own good.”

His fist clenched around the arm of the chair and he turned away. Forced himself to breathe and try and focus. Luke moved to his side, squeezed his shoulder. He wanted to ask after Luke’s grand plan, demand answers but he knew it wouldn’t get him anywhere.

“I am glad to see that you are getting along better with Rey,” Luke shifted their conversation as he returned to his place behind the desk. “Have there been any issues?”

“No,” his response felt guarded. He didn’t want to talk about Rey with Luke. Felt almost defensive. “She progressed well today at the cliffs.”

Luke studied him carefully, “Good. I need you to take over her training tomorrow. I have business to attend to. I leave it to you if you wish to continue working on leaping or transfer to something in the same aspect.”

“Is everything okay?” Ben asked as Luke collected his datapad from the desk.

“We’ve had some disturbing reports. Nothing to worry yourself about. Right now our focus is Rey’s training and your recovery.”

Ben had to take a deep breath to not get into another argument about that. These conversations had started twisting in that vain. He would try and extract some information, some clue and Luke would shut him down.

“Thank you for your time, Uncle.”

“Take the evening off, Ben,” Luke insisted. “Worry less about your past and more about your future.”

Ben inclined his head and kept his silence as he left, taking some steadying breaths to calm himself. The facility was not one that offered endless opportunities to take the ‘evening off’ and so he wandered. First to his room, to clean and change. It felt as though his uncle were telling him to give in; he wasn’t, he knew Luke was simply trying to protect him, but the sensation remained. When he went to the canteen, it felt even emptier than usual.

It wasn’t a large outpost. Housed probably twenty-people at its fullest. The temple that it was built onto gave the realest sensation of isolation. They stuck mainly to the new constructions but there were a few corridors that interconnected with the older parts of the facility. He felt the Force calling to him from there.

He was considering exploring there to ‘relax’ and ‘take some time off’. The thoughts fell to the back of his mind when Rey entered. She had changed too, her hair in a single bun at the back of her head, yet he could see the dampness in the waves that fell to frame her face. The top she wore was different heavier fabric than what he deigned necessary yet seeing how reacted to the cold, he wasn’t surprised.

She collected a small tray of food and came to sit opposite him a smile on her lips that chased away the residual unpleasant feelings from his conversation with Luke.

“Everything okay?” she asked around a bite of fruit.

“Fine. Cold?”

She bunched up on herself at the mention, pulling the sleeves of her top further down her arms, trying to cover the hand she wasn’t eating with entirely. “My refresher hates me.”

“It hates you,” he repeated, eyebrow raised.

She swallowed and took a drink before nodding, meeting his gaze with complete seriousness. “It works fine. Right until the moment I step inside and then instant ice water. I’ll change the settings and it’ll become boiling. All middle ground lost.”

He chuckled at her pained expression. “Have you reported it?”

She shook her head. “I took it apart earlier. I can’t find anything wrong with it and it does reach the desired temperature – just not once I’m inside.”

“There are other showers,” he reminded. There were a selection attached to the training room and in any of the guest rooms that sat uninhabited the majority of the time.

“I like the challenge,” she admitted and poked at the red meat floating in her soup. “What’s this?”

Ben leaned forwards to get a better look, furrowing his nose. “Bantha steak soup. One of Luke’s favourites.”

He enjoyed her tentative expression as she brought a spoonful to her mouth. She similarly wrinkled her nose at the smell but still tasted it. She contemplated the flavour for a second before going back for her second mouthful.

“You like that?” he asked feeling surprised. He had always assumed it was an acquired taste.

“It’s not the best but it’s certainly not the worst,” she explained. “And it’s warm.”

“At least you aren’t fussy.”

She considered him, raising her brow. “I take it you are.”

“I don’t eat things that taste or smell like bantha fodder.”

She shrugged but didn’t press and he let her eat, toying with the cup in his hands. He’d drained it before she arrived but it gave him something to do. It didn’t take her long to finish, practically draining the bowl before she sat back. Her temperament was so easy and calm. He had seen the same flashes of frustration he felt inside of her but not in moments like this.

And it was a very good thing because he didn’t want to think of Luke. Didn’t want to feel like he was being denied over and over.

“Something’s troubling you,” she said bringing him back from his seclusion.

He shook his head, not wanting to get into it. “Just Luke. Don’t worry about it.”

“So,” she waited but after a minute added, “Pazaak?”

He smiled despite himself and reached into his robes and brought the pack onto the table. “Do you remember the rules?”

“Let’s go through them again now I can see the cards.”

“Alright.”  

\-----


	11. Chapter 11

 

The weather rained them out of any outdoor activities. A storm was brewing overhead, a dark grey cloud that forced them to switch to artificial lighting from mid-day. Every now and then the sky crackled with thunder before the skies opened and pounded the roof with heavy droplets. The sound was fascinating, as was watching the rain but her attention was focused on Ben.

It felt odd to simply sit opposite with her eyes closed but she quickly understood why. The concentration it took to hold multiple objects in the air was immense and she felt perspiration on her brow whenever he instructed to add something else to that list.

He encouraged gently as he had yesterday, corrected her and guided her when she began to falter. Calling one object towards her felt so easy and natural compared to the combination of things Ben asked of her.

“Good now keep everything where it is,” his voice was soft, barely above a whisper. “And spin the storage crate to your left. Like you did at the start.”

“That was before I was holding up the rest of the room,” she spoke through gritted teeth but she was already reaching for the crate, manipulating it. The crate didn’t respond immediately so she diverted more of her attention to it, wincing when a second later she heard a crash.

“Stay focused. You can do this.”

She exhaled deeply and tried again. It was shaky. She felt the other objects begin to quiver as the crate made bouncing movements and slowly turned. She clenched her hand onto her knee as she tried.

“Okay, good,” Ben said after a minute. “We can rest for a bit.”

It took the energy she had left to not simply let go of everything and have it crash on the ground in a heap. When she finally opened her eyes she saw Ben smiling at her, felt the action on her own face. He moved first, standing up and offering Rey his hand.

He pulled her up with easy strength. “You did very well to say that was your first session.”

“I’ve touched on this before,” she admitted, stretching her arms over her chest. She would never be able to understand how Luke could sit still for so long without aching. “I didn’t really know how though.”

He inclined his head, moving the objects back to their resting place, resetting the training room. The actions were made with such ease she couldn’t help admiring his control. “It’s not uncommon. The power is there already training just helps ease the burden on us, the concentration required.”

“Ah good,” they both turned to Luke who had just entered. His expression was carefully measured as always, arms crossed tightly over his chest, hands touching his elbows. He glanced around the room briefly, moving a missed stave back to the rack by the door without breaking his composure. “I was hoping to speak to the pair of you.”

“We’re finished for the day,” Ben confirmed as they moved towards him.

“A successful lesson, I can tell,” Luke smiled briefly but resettled on his neutral mask. “I need to go off-world,” the words startled both of them, glancing at each other until Luke continued, “Something has happened and I have agreed to help investigate. It might take a few weeks.”

 “Do you want us to accompany you?” Ben asked and Luke was quick to shake his head.

“That won’t be necessary, as I said to you yesterday, your priorities are already set.” Luke’s gaze travelled to Rey, holding them for a second, looking for something she wasn’t sure before flicking them to Ben. “I want you to take over Rey’s training.”

“Uncle?” Rey heard the confusion in the word, feeling it on her face too.

“You have helped out in training apprentices before, Ben and I’m getting too old for it all anyway.”

Ben inclined his head but Rey noticed his spine had straightened, felt the tension in him. “If that is your wish.”

“It will be good for the both of you,” Luke turned before she could meet his gaze. “I’ll leave you a few minutes. Then I would like to speak to each of you alone.”

She waited for the door to close before turning to Ben. The surprise of the decision was clearly evident on his face but she knew there was something else. “You okay?” she asked knowing her voice wasn’t exactly even.

“Are you?” he shot back, considering her. “I’ve never had an apprentice before. It’s a responsibility I wasn’t exactly expecting.” He took a deep breath and glanced to the side. “If you’re uncomfortable about this, I can speak to Luke –“

Rey raised her hand and squeezed his forearm. She could tell from looking at him that what he said wasn’t exactly what he meant. “What’s going on?”

Ben moved to the window and she followed. She waited the moment it took for him to find the words he was searching for. “It is not that I do not wish to train you, Rey,” he told her plainly and it soothed something in her chest she hadn’t realised was there. “It is that I don’t want to do it wrong. You have so much potential and power –“ he shook his head and took in a deep breath. She watched as he buried his true feelings, put on a front, exhaled heavily. “My concerns should not be yours. I apologise. Are you okay with this?”

“As long as you don’t become like Luke,” she joked feeling relief when he smiled at her. In truth, she didn’t know how she felt. She wasn’t sure she understood what Luke was thinking. “Do you want to speak to Luke first or should I?”

“You can. I think I’m going to meditate.”

Rey felt uneasy as she watched him go. When she gathered herself a bit better, had formed an opinion on this, she continued on towards Luke’s office where he was sitting holding a cup of tea. She took her seat opposite him.

A few minutes passed before he spoke. “Ben can help you. And you can help him find himself.”

“How?”

“Just do as you are doing. Rey, you are helping. There’s more warmth in his gaze than there has been since he was a child. He opens up to you. More than he does to me. He trusts you and I need you to use that trust to bring him back to us. To close the weakness that Snoke exploited within him.”

She knew the weakness of which spoke; the sense of inadequacy, failure and loneliness mixed with his discontent at his lot in life. She felt it when he spoke of his childhood. The time he spent alone practicing whilst the other apprentices formed friendships that he was isolated from.

“That can’t happen with me hovering over his shoulder. The bond between padawan and Jedi is meant to be strong. There’s no reason that both can’t benefit from it. Ben needs this responsibility and you need a more dedicated teacher.”

She furrowed her brow and Luke sighed. “I admit, I have been watching my nephew more closely than I have you. Ben noticed this and stepped in without being asked.”

Rey exhaled and turned her head to the side. There was something she needed to say. She didn’t want to mention it, didn’t want to cast doubt but it was there. Would always be there.

“You’re concerned,” Luke encouraged her thoughts.

“Kylo,” was all she managed. It would always be there at the back of her mind. No matter the distinction in her head between the two somewhere inside of him, Kylo remained. “He wanted to train me.”

“And yet I can sense Ben’s hesitation from here. I understand your concern. I have spoken with Leia about this and we have decided that if we want this to succeed we cannot continue on the assumption that Kylo is coming back. If we cannot trust him and place our hope in Ben, then we’ve already lost.”

“How can you be so calm about this?”

“Because for the first time in a decade, I can see the light in him again. At the surface not hidden and twisted by Snoke.” 

“Luke –“

“Anyone of us has the potential to turn to the dark side,” Luke overwrote. Luke was holding her gaze, searching. She thought she saw a flicker of something else but it was gone. “And anyone of us has the chance to return to the light too. Help him. Guide him as he guides you.”

Rey thought about it. What they were really asking. He spoke about his trust and yet he was asking her to do so. And yet, she also saw what Luke saw. The light. The good. Luke had been right that they couldn’t continue forever like this. She had to trust in the people around her.

There was one stumbling block.

“We can’t just wash away the past. It claws at him. Ben needs to know the truth.”

Luke surprised her by inclining his head. “I know.”

Her heart pounded, conflicted between what she wanted and what she feared.

“But he needs to be told in the right way. If I had told him everything when he first awoke, we would have surely lost him. It is my hope that you can do this. You have my permission to do as you feel is right.”

“Really?” she responded, flabbergasted by the ease in which he were giving her this and also terrified of the weight he was placing upon her shoulders. “But what if it goes wrong? What if I say or do the wrong thing –“

“Trust your instincts. I have already failed him. You haven’t.” Rey swallowed hard. She certainly didn’t sign up for this. “I think that it’s fitting.”

“Fitting?”

“You’ve already saved him once.”

Rey shook her head as Luke took a long sip of his tea.

Rey didn’t want to ask what would happen if they failed. When no more words exited either of them, she left and went to her room. She wanted to help him, she did, she just wasn’t sure if she could succeed and the consequences of failure frightened her to her core. Not least because she’d be the one responsible for unleashing Kylo Ren into the world again.


	12. Chapter 12

_“You need a teacher. I could show you the ways of the Force.”_

Ben woke with a start, jolting upright in his bed as he clutched at a phantom pain in his side. He pulled up his shirt and felt the skin, fingers gliding over the slightly smooth patch. It had only been a flash but he could taste the blood in his mouth, felt the bite of the cold.

He threw the covers off the bed. The memory was already fading but the image of her eyes burned him. He had never seen her look like that before.

His heart was pounding as he sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. There was a war raging in his mind. Was it real? When had it happened? Why were they fighting?

Did he want to know the truth?

Fingers tightened into his hair, pulling the strands sharply. There was no chance of meditation here. There was something burning inside of him. The sensation twisted and made him fear, shying away from it as he pulled in deep breaths.

He needed Luke but Luke was already gone.

The clawing in his mind, the place of pain, wanted something from him. It was tempting to give in but instead he stood, grabbing his robe and simply moved.

The facility was dark, a few side lights flickering to life as he wandered aimlessly through the corridors. His fists were clenching and unclenching without his permission, his steps heavy and chest tight. His body moved without thought his mind too preoccupied within the confines of his head.

He had never remembered anything before and this had been so powerful.

“Ben?”

He stilled at the sound of her voice, turning as his jaw clenched. There was no fear in her face when their eyes met, just concern. He glanced back around after a moment, letting out a deep breath. A turbulent array of thoughts scrambling around.

He had no idea where he was.

He heard footsteps and tensed as she reached for him. Rey stilled, hand hovering a moment. “Ben,” her voice was stronger, commanded his attention. “Look at me.”

Slowly, he did feeling his own apprehension slowly dissipate as their eyes met. She held his gaze, almost defiantly.

“What happened?” she asked softly now.

“I saw something,” he exhaled, not quite catching the way her shoulders straightened. “A flash of something.” `

“What did you see?” her voice was measured, cautious.

 “You. In the Snow. In a Forest.”

There was something shaky in her voice as she placed her hand on his forearm, “Let’s go sit down,” she guided him to a table by the window. It was only then he realised where he was. There had been no reason for him to come here. The canteen was vast in the darkness, barely lit. A few side lights illuminated certain spots. Rey took him to one such spot, a mug on a table. A lit sanctuary in a field of darkness. There was a table with a mug atop it. They sat opposite one-another her hands settling around the steaming cup. “Are you okay?”

Ben ran his fingers through his hair and leant back in the chair, letting his gaze go to the ceiling. “Was it real?”

“Yes,” she admitted after a moment, eyes firmly on the gentle swirl of liquid between her hands. Ben slowly lowered his hands feeling pain blossom within his chest.  

She took a deep dredge of her drink before sliding it over, the sound pulled him back from himself. He watched her as she settled into her seat, pulling her knees closer to her chest, before he accepted and took a sip. It was something sweet with a warmth that helped settle his stomach.

“What were we doing there?”

There was pain in her eyes as she glanced at him. As much as he didn’t wish to see it, he held her gaze. It was still a better image than the one in his mind.

“I will tell you,” she promised him. “If you really want to know.”

It was the first time someone had offered him such and he should have leapt at it. It was the goal of the hours of meditation, of his pestering of Luke, what all of this had been for and yet not he felt fear coil in the base of his stomach and lightning along his spine. The fear in her eye, the taste of blood in his mouth –

“I’m not sure that I’m ready.”

It worried him further when she looked relieved. “Then we should talk about something else.”

Ben huffed, shaking his head and turned to the side. “I doubt it will help.”

“Trust me,” she insisted and leant forwards on the table. Rey had a way to simply draw his entire focus. Made it easy to forget there was anything else around them.  

“Fine,” he agreed easily. “What do you have in mind?”

“Whatever you want.”

“Is there something troubling you?” he asked as he considered their surroundings. It was the dead of night, perhaps even the early hours of the morning. There was no reason for one of them to be awake and yet here they both were.

She was looking out of the window but flickered her gaze to him as she nodded, “Yes.”

There was enough in that word that he did not push. “Your friends. Tell me about them.”

“There’s only the two of them really and you already know Poe. Finn used to be a Stormtrooper for the First Order.”

“How did you meet?”

“Entirely by accident,” her lips tugged up slightly. “He was wearing Poe’s jacket. His droid recognised it, told me and I beat him up a little bit.”

It was relaxing, hearing her talk. It didn’t make the memory go away but simply gave him another one. One that didn’t unnerve him. Slowly but surely the tension left them both.

“ - Then the next thing I know I’m running through the Outpost, tie fighter’s shooting at me, and lumbered with this man and a droid. I don’t regret a second of it.”

Ben smiled at her. She spoke with such enthusiasm, such ease, laughing to herself in some memories. There was an slight undertone, a sad smile as she finished her sentence that made him think.

“You speak about Finn fondly,” he observed enjoying the way she smiled then. “Is it hard being here whilst he is out there?”

Rey pursed her lips and shrugged. “We keep in touch.” It wasn’t really what he had meant but he had no plans to push further. Rey continued whilst he contemplating. “He isn’t needed here. We both get that,” her eyes were on her hands, playing with her nails. The words seemed to tumble from her with no real direction. “We aren’t together. We talked about it. A little. It didn’t amount to anything.”

“Alright,” he returned and felt calm. The blush that lit her face even in the darkness, the light only casting a few rays in their direction, was delightfully endearing.

“So,” she was clawing for something and it made him smirk and offer no suggestions to alleviate her burden. “What are we doing tomorrow?”

“Lightsabres.”

“Lightsabres?”

“I spoke to Luke before he left. He had some crystals hidden away. I think you’re ready to build your own.”

Her eyes lit up.

“It takes time,” he warned. “Meditation, too.”

She nodded as he took another drink before passing it back to her. She accepted it easily, clutching to the warmth the mug still radiated. “You’re cold,” he noted for the first time. She was fully dressed, even if her night shirt seemed a little thin.

“I’m used to warmer climates,” she smirked but it didn’t last too long.

“Here,” he removed his robe and moved around the table, settling it around her shoulders. She didn’t protest as she pulled the fabric closer, huddling into it. For one moment she looked content before she considered him.

“You’ll be cold now.”

“I’m used to it,” he spoke the words and realised they were true. Wherever he had been, it had been cold. Rey raised a brow but the words went unsaid.

“Thank you.”

He settled back down opposite her and turned his gaze to the window, no matter how much he wished not to. “Tell me more about Jakku.” 


	13. Chapter 13

Rey stared at the array of crystals before her. They seemed identical on the outside but she could feel a pull within her. They each told a different story, sang a different note that resonated within her.

“Traditionally, there would be a gathering wherein students would go to crystal caves, face challenges and meditate with their crystal before returning,” Ben spoke softly, almost with reverence. “Due to the difficulty in getting to such regions, when Luke took groups they would collect extra crystals in case of sabres being lost or damaged. These are what you see now.”

“Will it still work?”

He hummed and came to sit next to her. She didn’t move away when his leg rested beside hers. “Close your eyes, feel out with your mind. Which crystal calls to you?”

The question was left open as she did as was asked, feeling as he did the same beside her. There was a beauty within each crystal. With some she could feel power, others spoke of defence and protection. In the end it was one of those which called to her, lying on the far left. She went to collect it but Ben stilled her hand, holding her wrist gently with his fingers.

“Call it to you with the force,” he murmured, eyes still closed and she watched as he opened his other hand, a crystal slowly levitating and moving towards him. He enclosed his hand around it and smiled, finally letting his eyes open and burying straight into hers. He seemed so peaceful. After the previous night, it was surprising. To look at him now, she could not see the turbulence that had shaken him to the core.

They had spoken for hours, until the sun crested in the sky. There was something in her chest that seemed to swell that she had been able to help him. It felt like the first time she actually had. That Luke’s faith in her maybe wasn’t as misguided as she thought. It did mean they’d started later than intended. She’d managed maybe an hour or two but she wasn’t sure if Ben had even attempted sleep afterwards. It didn’t seem to faze him as he instructed her and with a small nod of encouragement, she did as was instructed. The crystal came to her immediately, the others glowing patiently, waiting.

“Meditate with it. Open yourself to it. Once you are ready, I will teach you how to build a sabre.”

“How will I know when I’m ready?”

“You’ll feel it,” he told her returning the other crystals to a lock box and resealing it. “And it will change colour,” he added at her confusion, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. She shook her head at him as she stood, placing the crystal in the pouch on her belt.

“What colours?”

“Blue or green mostly. Some have purple or yellow.”

Rey hesitated but asked regardless, “What about red?”

“Red crystals are synthetic,” he explained academically. She saw nothing change in his demeanour, nothing trigger and hit him like it so clearly had yesterday. She wondered if it was still praying on the back of his mind.

She followed him as he returned the remaining crystals to Luke’s office and waited at the door as he placed them within a secured crate.

“I’m assuming you had more planned for today than crystal selection?” she hedged as he came back towards her.

“I do. You might need a heavier robe though.”

She glanced down at her plain shirt and trousers. The facility was warm enough most of the time to not merit the heavy robes that Ben and Luke favoured. Rey had long since had a preference for practical mobility.  

“If you don’t have anything, you can borrow something of mine.”

Her mind returned to the one already in the room, draped across the back of her chair. She had completely forgotten she had been wearing it until already in her quarters. She had meant to return it but something had stopped her. There was no reason for her to keep it, it was no thicker than any of hers and too big. She pushed past those thoughts and looked over at him and then out to the planet. The wind was strong, the sky white.

“If you don’t mind,” she returned after a minute remembering how it had cut through her last time.

“Meet me by the old hut,” he informed her before leaving in the opposite direction. With a deep breath, she did as was bid.

The walk wasn’t far. When the Resistance had decided to place a facility on Ahch-To, they had integrated the remains of the Jedi temple with their new buildings and Luke’s hut had been close. She felt the chill as soon as she left the building but gritted her teeth as she climbed up the slope to the wooden building. The weather was barely holding out; an ominous cloud in the sky darkening with grey and black in the distance.

Considering the little resources that the island held, the hut was well-built and sturdy. It spoke of someone who had lived in such places before in the way it was backed close to a natural rock formation to defend better against the elements, how the walls were held firmly together and the roof covered in moss to hide it from above. It was a getaway, a sanctuary.

She didn’t have to wait long before Ben approached, carrying a thicker cloak than the one she had borrowed on one arm. He passed it over wordlessly when he reached her side, eyes cast upwards as she slid it on, pushing up the too big sleeves, glad that it wasn’t so long that it dragged on the floor behind her. She felt warmth spread through and felt somehow safer with the extra layer.

“This way,” he encouraged leading her down a new path that was no real path. Aside from slightly trodden in grass, she wouldn’t have known to come this way.

The landscape changed little. They drew closer to the shoreline and then further away, scaled patches of rock and dropped off of others before they finally arrived at a small cave opening.

Ben guided her inside and she considered the natural formation with awe and slight confusion as he opened a lamp and placed it on the ground, illuminating the area.

“I stumbled upon this by chance when walking. Caves such as these are useful for training Jedi. They allow you to separate yourself from the world and everything but the Force.”

She considered the space and understood the need for the cape as she realised she would be out here no small amount of time. “Alright,” she tried to prepare herself. The ground looked hard and unwelcoming. There were certainly no distractions here.

“I should leave you. It will be easier to focus alone.”

He turned to go and she felt panicked as she called, “Wait.”

He stilled instantly and turned back to consider her. “I won’t stray far and will return so you won’t get lost.”

“That’s not it,” she admitted. He waited for her to continue and she exhaled. “I’ve never been that good at the whole meditating thing.”

It wasn’t a complete lie but neither was it the total truth as to why she didn’t wish him to leave. She didn’t care to examine the reasons too closely.

Rather than judge, he simply instructed, “Sit as you would if you were to meditate.”

She did as told; settling on the ground with the cape around her, laying her arms along her legs, letting her hands hang over her knees. 

“May I?” he gestured to the space between them and she nodded. He sat cross-legged before her, close enough that their knees were all but  pressed together. “This might be easier to guide you if we are connected.”

“Okay.”

His voice was calm as he gestured to her hands. “Lay yours in mine.”

It took a moment before she could, noting how soft and smooth his hands were in comparison to hers as she let their palms touch. He clasped his fingers gently around her wrist, she repeated the action.

“Match your breathing to me,” he instructed with confidence that was undeniable. It took a minute before they were synchronised and he gave his next instruction. “Focus on the force. It flows around you, within you, through everything.” She could feel it within him, emanating different from how she remembered it on Starkiller and Basthanda. “Find a point of focus,” he encouraged slowly and she felt him gently nudging her through the connection.

“I can feel it,” she agreed. “But it’s slippery like water.”

“Don’t try and grab it, just let it move freely.”

Rey huffed an exhale but she tried to follow his instructions. From one second to the next she could feel it. “Pour your energy into that. The point of meditation is not to find emptiness but clarity.”

She was silent and she felt as he followed his advice. This close she could feel his reluctance and apprehension but he slowly let the Force flow through him. At first they were separate but the Force soon joined them together.  

It came slowly, a warmth moving through her veins. It was light and bright.

When it moved through him, she felt it chase away an emptiness he hadn’t noticed. Lit spaces that had been hidden away. It was peace for both of them and she didn’t want to let go. Neither did he.  

They sat together in silence for a long time.

\-----

The sky was darkening quickly when they emerged from the cave. He silently offered his hand and she didn’t hesitate in taking it as he guided her back to their complex. Merely from the sensation he knew that it was the first time in a long time that he had properly meditated and never before like that, connected with another. There were moments when he felt her emotions as his own, her breathing as his.

He hadn’t realised how truly isolated he had been until he had felt her. The warmth of her hand in his was grounding as understanding dawned that those lost years were not pleasant ones. Of course, he hand no memories to back it up but the sensations and feelings in his mind ran deeply.

Rey was quiet behind him as they moved but it was companionable. He helped her down the rocky slope, holding onto her waist as he lowered her the last few feet to solid ground. When Luke had asked him to take over Rey’s training he hadn’t been certain but a selfish part of him was glad that he was beside her now, helping her, guiding her.

The ground was damp, the rain having fallen when they were in the cave. He used it as an excuse to move slowly when the temple was within view knowing that they would separate when they got inside and feeling reluctance.

“You okay?” Rey asked pulling him from his revere, he smiled at her, shook his head.

“I’m alright,” he assured. “Just thinking.”

“I feel lighter,” she responded. “Focused.”

“Then we can consider the day a success,” he stilled them outside of the temple doors and collected his crystal from his pocket. “As we meditate, we imbue the crystals with the force. In a few days it will be ready, shaped by you.”

“So, we’ll be heading back there tomorrow?” Rey asked as he returned his crystal to the pocket.

“Yes.”

He noted no sense of apprehension from her, no disagreement either as she turned to the temple door. It was easier to sense her, to uncover her feelings without having to study her face. “I’ve just realised how hungry I am. Do you want to get dinner?”

“Sure,” he followed her inside feeling a little surer in himself.

It was late enough that it had become self-service of cold cuts and bread. He collected a tray for the both of them as she got drinks and they sat in the same spot they had the previous day. There was no darkness now, the room fully lit and yet his attention remained on Rey. What he had uncovered was still there but Rey stole the focus away. The same as she had last night with simple stories and gentle smiles.

For all she encouraged them to come here, she only picked at the food and he did the same.

“Is meditating supposed to be like that?” she asked clutching to the cup in front of her. He knew what she meant without having to expand. He had never felt so aligned with someone before nor so understood.

“It is meant to deepen our connection to the Force which it did but is primarily a solitary activity meant for reflection and gaining understanding.”

“It has never felt like that before.”

“Perhaps you simply needed a different teacher,” he felt something within as he said the words. A stab in his mind but it was soothed over, gone as Rey spoke next.

“When we go to the cave tomorrow,” she began and he felt her trepidation, she was looking down to her plate and he wanted to reach out and reconnect with her.

Instead, he gathered the direction of her inquiry and answered for her, “I intend to remain. There is another cave further up but it will have flooded with the rain,” it was a partial excuse that they both needed.

Rey glanced up and there was something in her gaze that captivated him. He forced himself to break away, to take a drink. “Luke once told me he meditated in silence for days to create his sabre.”

She blanched and he smiled at her. “It’s one method,” he expanded. “But the same results can be achieved whilst getting a full meal and being able to sleep in a bed at night.”

Her expression withered. “Have you remembered anything else?”

“No,” he lowered his gaze from her imploring one.

“I’m here if you wish to talk.”

“Thank you, Rey. I appreciate that.”

Her smile was gentle and he felt something stir within him. It was not the first time he had felt this way about Rey but the first time it hit him strongly and, from the look in her eye, the first time he realised that he might not be the only one that felt something.  

“It’s early yet,” she declared bringing him back from his mind. It didn’t feel early. It felt as though he had been awake for two days and he could sense the exhaustion in her frame. The subtle ways her shoulders slumped, her actions just that little bit heavy. “Fancy a game?”

He should have suggested that they retire for the evening, that they catch up on the lost sleep like he should have postponed their trips to the caves but he didn’t want to leave her then and nor did he now and neither did she. Rey stubbornly pushed against what her body was telling her, making no move to leave. Despite what he should have done, he smiled and nodded. “I’ll collect the cards.”


	14. Chapter 14

Something shifted.

It was subtle at first and she did not fully comprehend how intertwined they had become. It simply became routine that they would eat together for breakfast and dinner. That they would train in the mornings and meditate in the evenings taking a few days in the caves with their crystals. Even after the weather cleared and he could easily have sought out another place to meditate, he remained by her side. It was better together, easier. They spent little time apart and when they did he remained in her awareness, his presence comforting her even subconsciously.

Ben was better-rested. She noticed the gentle discolouration beneath his eyes rescind. She hadn’t ever known him without it.

It was a week of the same before they heard that Luke would not be returning for at least another two and she felt conflicted thoughts. That first night when Ben remembered she had desperately wanted Luke to return, to confirm that she hadn’t made everything worse but she gained confidence, enjoyed the peace that had settled between them. Rey felt no desire to rock or change what they had however foolish that was.

Ben hadn’t had any other recollections since and though he seemed calmer, Rey knew it couldn’t last indefinitely. If something had broken through already it seemed inevitable that more would come, that this little bubble of serenity would burst wide open. Rey wasn’t sure either of them were prepared for it.

Rey respected Ben’s wishes, felt nothing but relief when he had told her he wasn’t ready but how long would it last? Was it better to hear it from her? Thoughts plagued her from time to time. When she caught that faraway look in his eyes or found herself chasing the scar that ran down his face.

“You seem troubled,” Ben commented. They were simply walking together around the island. They should have been returning to the complex but after they left the cave neither of them felt a particular desire to return. The air was whipping around them and she inhaled.

“It’s okay,” she felt her mind falter.

He stilled her, hair lashing his face, placing his hand upon her upper arm when she wrapped them tightly around her chest. “Rey.”

It wasn’t commanding or pleading, simply a gentle encouragement that had her turn her head to the side. “I was thinking about what you remembered. Of your memories.”

Ben exhaled deeply. “I haven’t recalled anything else. You’ll certainly be the first to know if I do.”

“That’s not what I meant,” she struggled with what she wanted to say, using the excuse of him running his fingers through his hair to distract herself as he tried to contain it. “Do you want a hair tie?”

He lifted his brow. “I don’t think that’s what you were going to say.”

“It’s bugging you,” she continued noting the frustrations in his hand.

“I have no idea what possessed me to let it grow like this,” he admitted and she offered him a shrug.

“It doesn’t look terrible.”

“The highest of compliments,” he retorted with a slight smirk, lowering his hand from her, glancing back to the complex. “I might just take a knife to it.”

She raised her brow at him. “That sounds dangerous.”

“A bad hair style is not something I’m concerned with.”

“Clearly.”

He glowered at her jokingly, smiling tugging at his lips and she returned the expression rubbing warmth back into her hands. “And you’re trying to distract me.”

“I could help you cut it,” she ignored his previous comment completely as he rolled his eyes. “At least I’ll be able to see the back.”

Ben glanced at her hands as he spoke, “Rey,” he began again. “I appreciate this might not be the best time to force the issue, but if something is bothering you I want to know.”

She chewed on the inside of her cheek. “I was thinking about what’s going to happen when you remember more.”

“You don’t particularly want me to remember,” he commented and she clenched her jaw.

“Not particularly.”

“I don’t need to know specifics,” he warned, leaning forwards and taking her wrist in his hands. “I remember the look in your eyes as clear as day. You were scared of me.”

“Ben –“ she tried to defend but there was little enough for it.

He let out a deep breath. “I don’t ever want to make you afraid of me again, Rey.”

“I’m not afraid of you,” she softened, taking his hand and squeezing it. “I just wanted to know how best to tell you.”

“Don’t,” he said after a moment. “Eventually I’ll need to know but right now, I don’t want to.”

“Is that wise?”

 Ben met her gaze, held it and she wasn’t sure why her she felt warmth flood her cheeks and her heart pound but it was there all the same. “I need to figure out who I am now before I can think about who I was and honestly, if things between us were so twisted, I’m not sure I want to go back to that.”

“Ben,” her voice was low, gentle. “We can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”

“No,” he agreed turning to the facility. Their hands remaining linked by their sides, neither moving to loosen their grip. “But right now, I need a haircut and you’re cold. We’ll revisit the rest another day.”

Rey caught the tiniest hint of apprehension from him, gently soothed what she could as they walked. Rey felt her lips pull up even as nerves tugged at her chest. “You’re actually going to trust me with your hair?”

Ben shrugged and smile playing at the edges of his lips. They made it back to the complex and Rey directed them to her quarters afterwards. They didn’t speak much but they didn’t need to. She felt content to simply be in his presence.

Personal quarters were tucked away from the main parts of the facility and even then, hers were on the opposite side of the building to his. She noted how his eyes flickered over the new corridor. She stopped him at her door, ushered him inside and towards the one chair in the room, nipping into the refresher to search for what she needed as he looked around. She wasn’t used to having people in her space but this room wasn’t the same as her AT-AT. She had a few belongings scattered around but it was mainly standard issue.

Ben was waiting on the chair when she arrived but he’d removed his outer robe and the thicker tunic he wore over the loose fitting shirt. Rey had felt nervous as she led him here but relaxed at the sight of him. There was no tension in his shoulders and she let go of hers as she moved towards him carrying scissors and a comb. She settled them on the table next to the chair and went to stand behind him. Her heart began to pound, Rey ignoring the sensation as she began to run her fingers through his hair, untangling the larger knots.

Ben exhaled evenly but didn’t protest as she pulled. Eventually, she grabbed her brush to ensure she’d gotten everything. His hair was uneven, ragged and didn’t really suit his calmer persona.

“How short do you want it?” she questioned.

“I don’t want to be bald,” he drawled. “Other than that, I trust you.”

Rey felt her stomach twist. She was hardly an expert on men’s hair but used the knowledge of what she did have to begin, cutting the long strands until they were above his chin to start. Moving around to face him and pushing her fingers through his hair as she tried to imagine what would suit him best.

“I just hope you don’t live to regret this,” she murmured mostly to herself.

Ben laughed the sound sinking into her chest as she once more reached for the scissors.

\-----

Her fingers felt amazing as they ran across his scalp. Her touch gentle but generous. When she stood before him, he watched her face, the tight line of her lips, the intense look in her gaze. He felt bereft when she once more disappeared behind him and the sound of cutting filled the air. He wasn’t nervous. He’d never been particularly bothered about his appearance and enjoyed her touch enough to make whatever look she bestowed upon him worthwhile.

He closed his eyes as her fingers worked with delicate precision, feeling his heart beat more clearly with her so near. They had grown closer recently. She sought him out actively and he did not feel like a burden when they were together. Rey was different from anyone else he had ever known, special.

Her focus meant she didn’t speak and he was glad, unsure what words he could muster when her touch was so maddening. Eventually she moved back to stand before him and he opened his eyes, smiled at the way she bit her lip and leaned over him. He opened his legs to give her better access, letting her slot between him as she cut. He had to work to keep his thoughts at bay, to ensure she wouldn’t pick anything up from him.  

She rested a hand on his shoulder when she eventually pulled back, tilting her head to the side before putting the scissors down and running her hands through his hair. He knew she was simply styling it but it still felt glorious still made his thoughts twist.

When she was done, she smiled and he forced himself to raise a brow. “Is it done?” he spoke, glad his voice didn’t waver. “Am I going to need a hat?”

She chuckled. “I think it suits you. Come on,” she stood back and he let her go, closing his fingers around hers as she pulled him into the refresher and placed him before the mirror.

He looked like himself but different. The hair was short but not close to his head. There were easily three inches of hair but it was tousled and twisted, no longer the limp tresses. “I used to have it a bit shorter than this,” he told her, tracing a his finger and thumb down a wave near his ear. “But this looks better.”

“You like it then?” she asked and she tried to sound blasé but he knew she sought approval. It radiated from her.

He turned and nodded, smiled at her. “I do.”

She squeezed his hand and it was then he realised she hadn’t let go. That the space they were in was small, intimate. He dared to tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. Rey closed her eyes and his hand lingered against her cheek.

“ _Ben_ ,” her tone wavered, her eyes wide when she gazed at him again, a hand gently placed on his chest, above his heart.

His fingers moved to the back of her head, pulling the ties free, letting his fingers slide against her scalp and through her hair. Her grip tightened to his shirt. “I like your hair loose,” he murmured. “It suits you.”

Rey swallowed and he watched her throat bob as he leant closer, until their chests were touching, pressing their lips together. He felt her heart pound violently in her chest as a noise escaped her lips, head tilting to the side as he broke for breath before pressing down again, Rey’s lips moving against his.

He took a step backwards, pressed her into the wall as his fingers trailed down her side, her hand slightly up and around his neck. His hand met the flesh of her thigh, squeezed when a shrill beep pulled them apart.

Rey was practically heaving, eyes wide as she looked at him, her hand clutching at him. The beeping continued and with a shaking breath she let go. Ben stepped backwards, let her leave, followed her out of the refresher but stayed at the door.

“Finn,” she greeted voice high and uneven.

“Hey,” Finn returned. It was only a voice call but he remained in the corner, chest pounding as he watched the tension in her spine. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” she swallowed and took a deep breath. “Just got back from a training session. Listen, now’s not the best time - ” she glanced over her shoulder to him and he searched her eyes, clinging to what he saw there.

“We’ve got a mission we need help with. Jedi help.”

Rey turned. Her shoulders stiffened. “What sort of mission?”

“Knights of Ren,” Finn stated and Ben frowned, unease settling in his stomach. “We’re already talking to Luke, co-ordinating things but my gut tells me you’ll be off that planet within the month.”

Rey glanced back at Ben, something in her eyes.

“I need to go,” she stated and hung up, standing and moving to his side. “Ben –“

He shook himself, waking his body from the sensation that had begun to drape over him. “I’m okay,” he reassured, sliding his hand down her arm. “But if you are going to be leaving, we need to return to training.”

Rey studied him a moment before nodding her head. She took a step to leave and he grabbed her back, pressed another kiss against her lips, pulled back before she could fully process it. “Shall we?”

She blinked, swallowed hard and nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to beg for forgiveness. Stuff kicked off and my life has been a little too hectic to write so I'm sorry and I'll try to find my regular routine again.


	15. Chapter 15

It took a while for her to process what had happened. They trained that evening as they always had but everything felt tense. Every time he touched her to guide her, she felt her heart race, felt a new meaning in his smiles. It shot her focus, made her stumble and Ben was patient with her, made no comment at her distracted state.

Eventually, when the sun was almost set, he stopped them. She focused on putting things away manually, mind preoccupied with the feeling of his lips on hers and what that meant. It was the first time in a long time that they did not spend the evening together. Rey made an excuse of tiredness that Ben did not push her on.

It felt like not once in her evening did her mind stop whirring. There were questions and fears. Wants and trepidation. Questions that she stopped her mind from fully asking. She trusted Ben. She felt a connection between them unlike anything she had ever experienced with another being and yet they couldn’t do this. Could they? She did not know.

Routine was her focus after a restless sleep. No matter how much she tried to put it out of her mind it was always there. She sat in the canteen with a plate of something before her as she stared out of the window.

It meant that he was able to sneak up on her, make her jump when he placed his hand on her shoulder.

“You’re troubled,” he stated as he turned her to face him.

Slowly she brought her eyes to his face, wanting to meet his, to feel that ready assurance that he inspired within her. Instead, her eyes went to the scar that cut down his face, that very visible reminder of what they really were. Focused her back on the turmoil that had been her mind the past day.

“I feel as though we are walking on ice,” she exhaled. “Like in a moment everything is going to shatter and we’re going to fall through.”

Ben’s face shifted for a moment, contemplative before he took her hand. “Come,” he insisted not that she was resisting the action. His hand was warm around her and she felt protected near him.

They walked together in peaceful silence, Ben’s mind clearly set upon something even as Rey’s felt in confusion, unable to shake the sensation in her chest that made her feel nervous and weary. It did not take long to realise where he was taking her and feel a slight smile upon her lips.

Ben lowered her hand outside of the cave that somehow felt there’s. She went inside alone but with the knowledge that she wasn’t and sat in the same spot they had for hours previously. Ben followed and sat opposite her, reclaimed her hands once more as they let the force flow between them. It calmed her immeasurably just to be there with him, to feel what they shared.

She had no idea how long passed like that, she rarely did, when they simultaneously opened their eyes.

“Tell me,” he requested softly. It was a request that could have a thousand meanings and yet she knew exactly what he meant. It did not make the answer any easier to word.

Rey didn’t look away no matter how strongly she felt the urge to. “We fought a lot before,” she murmured and he furrowed his brow not quite understanding how. “This,” she gestured vaguely to the space between them. “Never happened. You hated me and I hated you too.”

“Why?” the question was unfathomably difficult and she let her eyes close for a moment to have a hope at ever tackling that question without giving it all away, without sending him back to what was before. She wasn’t sure she could handle that now.

“I don’t know how to answer that.”

Not yet. They weren’t ready.

“Whatever happened,” he lowered one of their hands to gently pick up her chin, “I do not feel that way now.”

“Things were different before. Very different,” she squeezed their fingers together. “I don’t even know how we got here.”

“We’re here,” he told her gently. “Because you saved me.”

He made everything sound so simple, so easy. For a moment she believed him.

“Did I though? You don’t remember anything.”

“It might come back.”

“And what if it does and you go back to how it was before? You hate me again? And -” she cut herself off and exhaled deeply. 

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t want to lose you to who you were.”

“You won’t,” he promised. “Whatever happened, I’ll still remember this.”

“You’re a good person, Ben,” she whispered as if she wasn’t sure she wanted him to hear. “Remember that.”

Ben leant forwards, pressed his lips to her forehead. She felt her heart pound heavily in her chest. “It’s cold,” he spoke gently as he sat backwards. “And far later than I intended when I brought you out here. We should go back.”

Rey turned her eyes to the entrance of the cave and found herself surprised by how dark it had become. Inside the cave she could see Ben as clearly as if the room was lit with a thousand lanterns but the truth was different. There was any light between them and none but the stars outside.

She nodded and they used that as permission to move. The loud sound of thunder cascaded through the cave and caused Rey to startle, Ben’s eyes flickered first to her and then was drawn to the lightening. A storm. There was a bite of fascination as she looked to the sudden torrential downpour that had opened up from the skies.

“Or maybe not,” Ben sighed. “It’s a long walk and neither of us are dressed for it.”

“Maybe it will pass.”

He glanced back outside and slowly shook his head. Rey accepted his knowledge as it was, trusting his decision. Rey turned back to the cave and sat down and within a moment, Ben followed after her, sitting beside her without having to be asked. She rested with her back against the wall, pulling her knees up around her and wrapping her arms around them. The change in weather only made the cave colder.

Ben moved gracefully, pulling away his robe and draping it over them, taking his arm and placing it over her shoulders, tugging her closer to his chest. She went easily.

“And your sleep was just improving,” Rey sighed, closing her eyes.

“Not by much,” he admitted and that surprised her, had her lift her head to look at him.

“Ben –“

He kissed her forehead as if it were completely natural, as if it shouldn’t send a current through her body and twist her stomach. “Sleep, Rey. I’ll watch over you.”

“But who’ll watch over you?” she asked back. His lips picked up slightly in the corner as he stared at her, arm wrapping around her tighter.

“Knowing I’m not alone is enough.”

“You’re not alone,” she agreed closing her eyes.

“Neither of us are.”


End file.
